I’m 26 years old. Still young enough to be lacking in life experience, but I’ve seen things. Have a couple decades under my belt. Seen some great things, seen some terrible things. So, it’s not without reflective pause that I make the eminently bold statement that the Z.E.R.O. Zombie Kit is absolutely the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen, finally knocking the macarena off its pedestal. And when someone says this, says ‘the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen,’ it’s usually used in one of two ways – in-the-moment hyperbole or measured reflection. I can assure you this is the latter. Mostly.
I’ll break it down like this – if you want to spend $24,000 gearing up for something that is never going to happen, now you can. Of course, everything in the Z.E.R.O. Zombie Kit has practical uses, but then, you’ll always be the person who bought a $24,000 zombie kit. It seems like this has to be a joke, but you can actually buy it. I don’t know, I feel like the line between jokes and retail strategy has become too blurred for me to tell.
Anyway, in fairness, you probably do get $24,000 worth of stuff in this kit. There are tools that make it a decent camping kit, like a solar panel and a rugged watch and flashlight. There’s also chemistry equipment, I guess so you can work on the cure. There’s also a first aid kit, and you know, you should always have one of those anyway. Incidentally, the sales pitch recommends band-aids for bite wounds. I don’t know what kind of zombie movies they’ve been watching, but I was always under the impression that the best way to treat a zombie bite was with a fifth of bourbon and bittersweet memories.
Pretty much everything else in the kit is weapon accessories for rifles and shotguns, like laser sights and flashlights. There’s some protective body armor and night vision goggles in there, too. One imagines that the shotgun, rifle, and pistol would have been included were it not for those pesky regulations. There are knives, though! Still get some weapons with your fantasy zombie $24,000 goodie bag.
There are some critical omissions, too. I don’t see a ’90s station wagon with a Godspeed You! Black Emperor album already loaded up in the CD player, nor do I see walkie-talkies. Also, booze. Maybe should have had a harmonica.
You can read through the laundry list at your leisure, then wish that you could find a way to get a list of people who actually do buy this, so you can make sure that you live very, very far away from them.
The more thought-provoking question is – is this it? Have we finally reached peak zombie? Has the great zombie craze of the 2000s finally jumped the shark? Time will tell.