Santa Claus Would Need $227 Billion for a Technology Makeover

If this vision of the Santa Claus of the future comes to pass, we might need to revise some of our Christmas songs.

This infographic outlines the techno-dystopian future our children’s children will be toiling away in, in the desperate hopes of making it onto the nice list. It begins with the ominous SantaNet, which will include what I’m reading as electric dog collars for naughty kids, using transcranial pulsed ultrasound technology to use sound waves to suppress naughty behavior. While that data gets sent to an exabyte-capacity data center in Utah (yeah, Santa is expanding his operations, maybe because too much of the North Pole melted), an artificial neural network in Stanford will mimic Santa’s brain, double-checking the whole naughty/nice deal. The data will be handled by the Tianhe supercomputer, which can make quadrillions of calculations for second – a must when you only have 24 hours to get everything done. Anyway, point is, he’s definitely going to know if you’ve been bad or good now.


Back at base ops, elves will be outfitted with Raytheon exoskeletons to help them work faster and more efficiently, because really, there’s a TON of kids on this planet now. Roads around Santa’s base will be kept ice-free thanks to electrically warmed carbon nanofibers under the pavement.Delivery? Well, put the reindeer in the stables, because Santa is going to be hitting houses with precision drone strikes. If you’re bad, take note, because that coal is going to be coming in hot. Where drones cannot fly, perhaps the hyperloop can help – it sure beats sliding down a bunch of chimneys, anyway.It sounds like the Santa of the future can just sit back and do nothing (like a true boss), but if he decides to make personal trips, he can make sure he goes unseen. Round detectors that analyze temperature and air quality can sense the presence of humans that should be in bed, while optical camouflage tech can work as a cloaking device for the big man.

That’ll all cost over $200 billion, but come on. If Santa’s been keeping this operation going for this long, he’s pretty clearly got the funding thing worked out. Only his legendary corporate secrecy keeps him off the Fortune 500.

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