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Lick it Up Baby – App Trains Your Tongue To Be a Good Lover by Licking the Screen

lickapp

I wonder if a premium version of this app would even be legal. It’s called Lick, and it’s heading straight to the top of Apple’s ‘Top Unsanitary’ chart. What, that’s not a chart? Well, it should be.

Can we gamify oral sex? Yes we can! Lick exists to encourage you to practice your tongue dexterity, which really only has one use (and yeah, I’m going to go ahead and say tying cherry stems into knots falls under that one use). The mini-games range from the easy mode of up and down movement to flip a lightswitch to the hard mode of tongue rotation to power a pencil sharpener. I’m not sure those are the sexiest of metaphors, but I guess there’s something to be said for subtlety?

Anyway, that’s all beside the point. The real discussion that needs to be had here is that the idea of licking your phone’s screen is on an opening-a-tupperware-container-full-of-month-old-leftovers level of nausea inducement. Have you seen the smudges on your smartphone screen lately? When has anything with smudges on it been remotely palatable? You’d have to douse that thing with a gallon of Purell, and even then, I’m having my doubts. Honestly, oral sex with your (trusted!) partner is probably more sanitary, so, you know, maybe just do that? Probably a lot more fun, just sayin’.

But, if you want to practice for the bedroom while you’re on the bus to work at 7:00 AM, I won’t judge. Go ahead and try it for yourself, be warned you can only lick your phone screen – you’ll have to wait to lick your monitor in the next version of this app.