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KA-CHING! Apple Third Quarter Results Are In

Apple’s third quarter results are in, and they made a bunch of money again.

Yesterday, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced in a conference call with investors that Apple is still absolutely rolling in it. They took in $37.4 billion in revenue, of which $7.7 billion is profit. That’s at least a few semi-trucks worth of money more than what they brought in this time last year, with revenue of $35.3 billion and profit of $6.9 billion. The Cupertino gang was so overcome with joy, they even decided to declare a cash dividend of $.47 per share for their investors, like a loving mother bird chewing up worms and feeding her young, except this mother bird eats a lot, and is really big, like the size of a tree.

Unsurprisingly, 59 percent of the quarter’s revenue was from international sales. Much of that was from China, which, officially, is still a growth market for Apple. That’s a surge that will probably taper off in the near future, but Apple’s going to ride that wave as long as it can. In anticipation of reaching a plateau in the Chinese market, Apple is readying plans to break into the wholly untapped Antarctic market next.

Finally, Tim Cook finished the dog and pony show for investors by displaying the investor mandated amount of excitement about the near future, saying ‘We are incredibly excited about the upcoming releases of iOS 8 and OS X Yosemite, as well as other new products and services that we can’t wait to introduce.’ Investors and analysts were relieved that Cook was not tormented by a crippling sense of ennui, finding that Cook’s statements matched with enthusiasm forecasts from the previous quarter.

Press Release