I ask: “Do you still find your partner attractive?” If they answer yes, I tell them, “You have nothing to worry about then. It’s okay if your eyes wander. What really matters is if your heart comes home.”
If they answer no, we are in red flag territory.
#3: Having doubts about the relationship. People tend to believe that having fears and doubts about the relationship is a red flag because that means they are not all in and may leave. That is junk. Having doubts is perfectly normal, even if you really love them.
All that tells me is that there is probably some communication or intimacy issue that needs to be addressed. It is not yet a red flag. It can be if they refuse to resolve those fears and doubts. But just having those fears and doubts is not a red flag.
#4: Constantly fighting about the same thing. This is not a red flag. It may seem like a red flag, but this only means there is a communication issue somewhere to work on. Every relationship is going to have some issue you will perpetually fight about. This doesn’t mean it’s an all-out war. But every relationship has little squabbles that will consistently come up. This is just because there are two different people in this relationship. Some things don’t resolve easily.
Just because you guys always get into a 2-minute debate on whose turn it is to do the dishes does not mean your relationship has a red flag. It is normal to have disputes that don’t completely go away. What matters more is how you navigate them and reconnect once the conflict has passed.
#5: Sleeping in different rooms. If there are a lot of unresolved conflicts, this can become a red flag. However, it is not inherently a red flag. Sometimes, you need a little space. As long as there are no ill feelings when this occurs, there is nothing with this now and then.
#6: Going on a vacay without your partner. Again, not a red flag inherently. Context matters here. Sometimes it is reasonable to need a break from your partner, especially if you are always around each other. It is perfectly healthy to take a mini-vacay away from your partner now and then.
You are different people and are allowed to have a life outside of the relationship. I would argue it’s more of a red flag if you can’t take a vacation without your partner.
#7: Being private. This is where things like having a passcode on your phone and not wanting to share details about outings are labeled as a red flag. In some cases, it is true. But oversharing is a real thing. Furthermore, everyone has the right to privacy. This does not mean it is a red flag because your partner likes their privacy.
What matters more is situational. For example, my wife has no passcodes on her phone or anything like that. On the other hand, all my stuff is locked and passcode protected. Some would argue that that is a red flag against me. However, my wife would disagree because if she wanted the passcode, she could have it. I have nothing to hide; I just like my privacy.