This Man Had Been Trying To Escape The Lasting Impacts Of His Childhood Abuse But Now, His Ex-Wife Has Befriended His Abuser
Childhood abuse and trauma, in any form, can have a lasting impact into adulthood. This man’s suffering followed him throughout his life and romantic relationships. Now, he is faced with an agonizing decision rooted in his trauma.
“I was physically and psychologically abused by my father growing up. He would beat me frequently and severely and repeatedly tell me I was a failure,” the man said.
His mother was present and abused as well. When the man saw this, he would try to comfort his mother. When he was abused, though, she did not intervene at all.
The abuse was far-reaching in his childhood. The man was not allowed to socialize at all, so he did not develop any social skills.
“I had no life experience outside studying. Nevertheless, I had good grades and was accepted into a top university,” he explained. However, once the man left for college and had more freedom, he was still unable to make friends.
“At the time, I thought it was because I was ugly. But, in hindsight, it was because I was too socially awkward and lacking in self-confidence,” the man reflected.
After graduating, the man found his first girlfriend. But, being starved for affection for so long made him “needy” in the girl’s eyes. So, she ended up breaking up with him.
“I spent the next six years leading a mostly solitary life. I was too alienated from society to manage a real job, but I did a lot of volunteer work,” the man explained.
He mainly worked with the homeless and became an advisor for disadvantaged communities. Still unable to make friends, though, he struggled with feelings of isolation and depression. His experience as an advisor was fulfilling, though, and pushed him to pursue law school.
“Although I was still very socially awkward, I managed to meet a sweet girl at college who agreed to date me. She later told me that she did so because she felt sorry for me,” the man mentioned.
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After dating for just a year, the couple got married.
For the next ten years of this man’s life, he developed a “modestly successful” law career while married. During their marriage, the man decided to cut all contact with his father. He was “determined to leave the past behind, allow childhood wounds to heal and start fresh.”
The couple’s marriage was not all sunshine and rainbows, though. The man’s wife was kind to him but very rarely intimate.
“She would never hold me unless I held her first. She would never tell me she loved me unless I asked,” the man recalled. His wife knew about the trauma he had suffered yet still withheld love for some reason.
However, what really upset the man the most was when they would fight. Instead of communicating what upset her, his wife would simply compare him to his father.
“This caused me an incredible amount of pain, and I would tell her this. I did not beat her, threaten her, flirt with other women, or humiliate her in public,” he said, “She would agree that I was nothing like my father, but subsequently continued to compare me to him just because she knew it would hurt me.”
Their issues were unable to be resolved, and they ended up divorcing a few years ago. The man’s now ex-wife went on to have a baby boy using a sperm donor.
“Despite our separation, we still kept in touch. Last Christmas, she invited me to spend Christmas with the baby and her. I bonded with the baby and have returned several times to spend time with my ex-wife and the baby,” he said.
The man formed a close connection with his ex’s son. They would play and laugh; tell each other, “I love you.”
The man felt like no one had ever treated him as this baby did. So, he believed it was only natural for him to care so much about the baby, too.
Everything was going fine until the man found out that his ex-wife had been communicating with his father. She even took her son to see him.
This caused him so much pain and upset all over again. So, he– yet again– tried to explain his childhood to his ex. Still, it did not work.
“Despite everything I told her, my ex-wife has told me that she values her relationship with my father, and I have no right to demand she stops,” he said. The man gave his ex an ultimatum– him or his father. She disgracefully chose his father, and he is left wondering why.
“It’s difficult for me to understand why my ex-wife has chosen my father over me, as he is an abuser who destroyed my life… However, my father is more charismatic than me. He loves to talk about himself, and people love to listen. I, on the other hand, have no real friends and never have,” he reasoned.
The man had planned to spend this Christmas with his ex-wife and baby again. He has since told her that he is no longer going but is still torn up inside. He cannot imagine never seeing the baby again.
“It makes me desperately sad, but I don’t feel I have any choice given that she wants to continue to be friends with my father,” the man explained. Now, he is wondering if he made the right decision.
How would you navigate this painful situation? Do you think the man made the right decision?
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