Does Toxic Perfectionism Have A Hold On Your Life? Here Are Some Of The Key Signs
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer, Katharina Buczek.
Hi, my name is Katharina, and I am a perfectionist (cue support group response).
No, but seriously, I am not afraid to admit it. Some individuals are people pleasers; others are workaholics. I just so happen to be a perfectionist, which– like everything in life– comes with its pros and cons.
Let’s start with the upsides. When it came to things like school or work, I was always on the ball. I used calendars and to-do lists to make sure I accurately anticipated assignments or shifts. Then, I made sure to complete everything– sometimes even beyond the required scope– just to feel prepared.
One of my coveted tips was leaving post-it notes with reminders in the most trafficked areas of my house. For instance, have to send an email out at 10 a.m. sharp and don’t want to forget? Leave a post-it note on your coffee pot, mirror, or right on top of your laptop. It never failed me.
Perfectionism didn’t just impact my academics or employment, though. It bled into other parts of my life, too, and sometimes resulted in positive outcomes.
With finances, for instance, I learned to budget meticulously. And when it came to planning trips, I researched spots in advance, created itineraries, and tried to make sure I could hit all of my most desired destinations.
While I may have graduated with high grades or earned accolades from my employers though, perfectionism wasn’t everything it looked like from the outside.
In my own mind, I was constantly anxious, calculating, and worrying. Missing a deadline or being a few minutes late to class felt like the end of the world.
Krakenimages.com – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual person
Sure, I got a rush when I exceeded expectations and succeeded through all of my hyper-productive tendencies. But when I made a mistake or failed, I was critical and downright self-deprecating.
But, as they always say, hindsight is 20-20. And now, I can recognize that I was the victim of toxic perfectionism from an extremely young age.
Today, I realize that this mindset and way of life were likely a product of my childhood environment– although that’s a conversation for another time.
Regardless, somewhere along the way from infancy to adolescence, I lost the ability to empathize with myself. I became my own worst critic, refusing to just go with the flow in fear of “failure.”
And the saddest part was that all of these expectations and life limitations were self-imposed.
When you are stuck in the thick of it, toxic perfectionism can be hard to acknowledge and rectify. But if you can relate to my story, then you may be your own worst villain, too.
And just in case you still aren’t sure, here are a few more key signs that you might be a victim of your own toxic perfectionism.
1. You Set Completely Unrealistic Goals
Have you ever signed up for 25 credits in college, wanted to lose 15 pounds in a month, or tried to complete various books in just one week?
I’m not saying all of these goals are necessarily impossible. But they are a surefire way to burn you out and are usually not sought after by people who aren’t toxic perfectionists.
That’s because, when it comes down to it, “life happens.” Sure, you might be able to time-block your schedule to sufficiently complete course requirements and study for exams. But what happens when you have a birthday party or get sick?
At the same time, losing 15 pounds in a month sounds all well and good until you find yourself in the gym for three hours every day, obsessing over calories and skipping out on opportunities to make memories in fear of “falling off track.”
That’s why most people try to set realistic and sustainable goals. But, for toxic perfectionists, that’s just not our forte.
We tend to believe that we are the exceptions– thinking that if we just work “hard enough,” we can be the people to do the impossible; to achieve what other people cannot.
This mindset that we have to always be willing to work harder in order to avoid being “average,” though, is just downright detrimental. And when you eventually fail, you will suffer a self-hate spiral of unmatched proportions.
2. Planners Are Your Prized Possessions
I love planning; I really do. But even I recognize how harmful planning every part of your life can be.
First of all, if you rely on planners too much, they can cause so much stress and anxiety. When you are constantly thinking about what you have to complete and by what date, it is so easy to become overwhelmed and discouraged.
Then, these negative feelings can just send you further down the rabbit hole– encouraging you to plan and plan and plan in an attempt to get everything done despite the odds stacked against you.
In this process, though, you miss out on life. Think about the sheer amount of time you spend organizing your planner, writing Post-it notes, or filling out your calendar. Is it 30 minutes a day? Even an hour?
Afterward, consider all of the things you actually include in your planner. Do meals and breaks really need to be so rigid? Or would it be better to go with the flow of your life some days?
At the end of the day, planners and other organizational decors can be great things for people who tend to lack organization or need help with time management. But if you are already hyperaware of your routine and goals, it might be best to ditch the planner– because you are only feeding an unhealthy obsession.
3. Always Assessing Your Image
As a toxic perfectionist, you obviously strive to be “perfect.” It’s literally in the name.
Only you know that, deep down, you aren’t truly perfect. And that’s not anything to be ashamed of– because no one is.
But, for some reason, you still hope that everyone else will view you through rose-colored glasses. You want to woo people or at least shield them from your “less favorable” qualities.
That’s why many toxic perfectionists also tend to be people pleasers. And in addition to that, you may just be super self-conscious and hyper-aware of your image at all times.
In the age of social media, this idea has gained a whole new level, too. Perhaps you are constantly checking what your social feed looks like– trying to figure out what other people who don’t know you might think when they click on your profile.
And before sharing a picture, you probably agonize over hitting the “post” button– wondering how the image will be perceived.
Don’t get me wrong: it is completely normal to want people to like you. But this kind of obsession is seriously toxic. And it pushes you to criticize yourself and refrain from living your most authentic life by constantly curating and editing the version of yourself that you share with others.
4. Never Getting Enough Sleep
If you struggle with toxic perfectionism, then your schedule is probably already super tight. That’s why your “responsibilities” likely bleed into the nighttime, pushing you to stay up late working or simply overthinking about everything you “need” to do.
You may even pull all-nighters often, just because they make you feel mentally accomplished as opposed to physically nourished.
But, this tendency winds up having the opposite effect. First of all, when you are depleted, you tend to be more negative. Also, when tired, it is impossible to perform at your highest potential.
So, after pulling a stint of late-night work, you may find yourself grumpy and self-criticizing the following day. Plus, you may even underperform on tasks that you normally excel in.
This then fuels even stronger self-criticism, pushing you to engage in more obsessive tendencies. And the cycle continues.
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