7 Non-Toxic Ways To Fight With Your Partner
There Is Such A Thing As Fighting Fair, Or At Least In A Healthy Way
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer. Some people believe that the best relationships are devoid of fights, and if you’re one of them, I’m here to tell you that you couldn’t be more wrong.
In fact, when someone claims they and their partner have never gotten into an argument before, I actually view it as a red flag. That’s because people are bound to disagree, and it’s these times of conflict that help us better understand each other, learn, and evolve.
Here Are 7 Non-Toxic Ways To Fight With Your Partner
With that being said, though, relationships aren’t supposed to be filled with major blow-ups and outbursts. Rather, the key to arguing constructively is by learning how to fight fairly.
Whether you’re in a new relationship or have been married for decades, this is something all couples can continue to work on. So, here are seven non-toxic ways to fight with your partner.
1. Get Rid Of All Distractions
First and foremost, when you and your partner either decide to have a tough conversation or unexpectedly get into a tiff, put away anything that’ll mess with your focus.
Don’t respond to texts, answer calls, or scroll on social media; likewise, turn off the TV, and if you are in the middle of an activity, like cooking or cleaning, take a break.
You and your partner each deserve undivided attention when you’re tackling a problem together. So, give them the same respect you expect in return.
2. Be Present And Stay Curious
Similarly, you can show your partner that you are actively listening through your body language and responses.
When we get into arguments and emotions run high, it’s sometimes tough to truly hear what someone’s saying as opposed to just preparing what you’re going to say in response. Remember to take a deep breath, relax your body, and look into your partner’s eyes as they’re speaking to remain focused on them. The goal is to work together as a team, not “win.”
So, instead of jumping to combat their perspective, dig deeper by asking clarifying questions. This can help you better understand where they’re coming from and help you both formulate a solution as a unit.
3. Don’t Use Absolute Statements
When you’re repeatedly frustrated by a pattern of behavior, it’s tempting to say things like, “You always…” or, “You never…” to your partner.
But chances are that these absolute statements aren’t true since human beings are never 100% consistent at anything. Plus, by using accusatory language, you’ll just put your partner on the defensive rather than inviting them to really hear you.
That’s why it’s much more productive to use “I feel…” statements. If they keep forgetting to complete some chores, for instance, you can state, “I feel like my needs are being disregarded.” This shows how your partner’s behavior is impacting you without directly throwing blame.
4. Put Yourself In Your Partner’s Shoes
Now, I believe that it usually “takes two to tango” in arguments. Tangential or related issues might pop up, and suddenly, an issue that you felt 100% “right” about is starting to look murkier. That’s normal.
It’s also precisely why it’s so important to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Again, no one is perfect all the time, and just like how they may do things that upset you, you might act in ways that hurt them. Then, all your grievances come spilling out at the same time during a fight.
Do your best to consider their feelings and refrain from trying to “win.” And if you don’t fully get why your partner felt, acted, or reacted a certain way, just ask questions. The more you know, the better you can understand and show empathy.
5. Own Up To Your Mistakes
Now, if we all do things that frustrate or hurt our partners from time to time, then there will frequently be circumstances when we have to take accountability. Don’t shy away from it.
It can be mentally tough to accept responsibility and utter the words “I’m sorry,” but continuing to fight over something and achieving no resolution is, in my opinion, a lot more difficult.
Realize that apologizing is often the quickest way to nip a fight in the bud, and as long as you work on changing your behavior afterward, you may not have the same argument again.
6. Remember, You Can Be Angry Without Acting Angry
This next tip cannot be overstated enough. Think about it: we all associate certain behaviors with respective emotions. When we’re sad, we might cry, and when we’re nervous, we might pace or tap our feet.
But if you’re angry at your partner, you don’t have to unleash rage through shouting, cursing, stonewalling, or slamming doors just to get your point across. Simply tell them that you are angry, and try to remain collected while doing so.
Your ability to stay composed will probably gain you more respect from your partner (and make it more likely that they’ll actively listen and hear you).
7. Don’t Be Afraid To Take Breaks
Lastly, there’s no shame in taking a step back when a fight becomes too heated. On the contrary, it shows a lot of self-awareness when you’re able to recognize that you can no longer respond productively or calmly.
So, whenever you start to feel too overwhelmed or think that your emotions might make you say some things you don’t fully mean, call a “timeout.”
Communicate with your partner that you need alone time, whether that’s 30 minutes or a couple of hours, to recollect your thoughts and come back with a clear head.
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