9 Relationship Red Flags That Actually Don’t Have To Be Red Flags
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer.
Despite what you may see influencers throwing around on TikTok or Instagram, there is a nuance to relationship red flags. Most of these “red flags” are thrown around based on personal experience, pet peeves, or dislikes rather than formal education and expertise. You’re not suddenly a relationship expert just because someone you dated didn’t work out.
Relationship and dating red flags are often on a case-by-case basis. However, some red flags are redder than others. Generally speaking, red flags are behaviors that make you reconsider the relationship – and some for a good reason.
Hopefully, here we can highlight some commonly cited red flags that are not necessarily red flags. Of course, I do not expect everyone to agree with me, and that is okay.
So, here are a few commonly cited relationship red flags that I believe are not always red flags.
#1: Holding a candle for an ex. Oh yeah, I can already hear the groans. But hear me out. While I think being stuck on an ex is a red flag most of the time (depending on how fresh the breakup is), I do not believe holding a special place in your heart for an ex is a red flag.
Those things are not the same. There is a difference between not being over an ex and having some residual love for them. For some, that ex was an important person to them. Maybe that ex was their first real relationship. Perhaps some of the most important lessons about love and relationships were learned with that ex. Harboring some love for someone who taught them these important lessons is normal in these cases.
#2: Being attracted to someone other than your partner. This is one of those things where influencers tend to argue about biology, and the hard-wiring of men to look for more options comes into play. When you act upon the attraction in a way that violates boundaries in the relationship, that is a red flag.
However, attraction in itself is not a red flag. It is perfectly normal to find someone who is hot, still hot, even if you are in a relationship. It’s what you do with that thought that matters. Likewise, being attracted to someone outside of the relationship is normal. Just be open about it, and don’t cross any lines established within the relationship. Something I have done with clients who felt guilty about finding other people attractive is to ask them a question and then follow it up with a statement.
sanneberg – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual person
I ask: “Do you still find your partner attractive?” If they answer yes, I tell them, “You have nothing to worry about then. It’s okay if your eyes wander. What really matters is if your heart comes home.”
If they answer no, we are in red flag territory.
#3: Having doubts about the relationship. People tend to believe that having fears and doubts about the relationship is a red flag because that means they are not all in and may leave. That is junk. Having doubts is perfectly normal, even if you really love them.
All that tells me is that there is probably some communication or intimacy issue that needs to be addressed. It is not yet a red flag. It can be if they refuse to resolve those fears and doubts. But just having those fears and doubts is not a red flag.
#4: Constantly fighting about the same thing. This is not a red flag. It may seem like a red flag, but this only means there is a communication issue somewhere to work on. Every relationship is going to have some issue you will perpetually fight about. This doesn’t mean it’s an all-out war. But every relationship has little squabbles that will consistently come up. This is just because there are two different people in this relationship. Some things don’t resolve easily.
Just because you guys always get into a 2-minute debate on whose turn it is to do the dishes does not mean your relationship has a red flag. It is normal to have disputes that don’t completely go away. What matters more is how you navigate them and reconnect once the conflict has passed.
#5: Sleeping in different rooms. If there are a lot of unresolved conflicts, this can become a red flag. However, it is not inherently a red flag. Sometimes, you need a little space. As long as there are no ill feelings when this occurs, there is nothing with this now and then.
#6: Going on a vacay without your partner. Again, not a red flag inherently. Context matters here. Sometimes it is reasonable to need a break from your partner, especially if you are always around each other. It is perfectly healthy to take a mini-vacay away from your partner now and then.
You are different people and are allowed to have a life outside of the relationship. I would argue it’s more of a red flag if you can’t take a vacation without your partner.
#7: Being private. This is where things like having a passcode on your phone and not wanting to share details about outings are labeled as a red flag. In some cases, it is true. But oversharing is a real thing. Furthermore, everyone has the right to privacy. This does not mean it is a red flag because your partner likes their privacy.
What matters more is situational. For example, my wife has no passcodes on her phone or anything like that. On the other hand, all my stuff is locked and passcode protected. Some would argue that that is a red flag against me. However, my wife would disagree because if she wanted the passcode, she could have it. I have nothing to hide; I just like my privacy.
Throw the red flag when you have a good reason. Not everyone is as open as others.
#8: Going out without your partner. Similar to going on a vacation without your partner, some people quickly label going out for the night without their partner as a red flag. This is just not true. It is normal to go out now and then without your partner.
What matters here most is communication. Every couple is going to handle that differently. For example, when my wife goes out without me, she tells me who she is going with and where. Then, she will give me a rough estimate of when she will be home. If she plans to be out later than agreed, she will call or text to update me. In return, I do the same thing when I go out without her. This works for us.
If you have a similar setup, it is not a red flag. You are allowed to have a life outside of the relationship.
#9: Having friends of the opposite gender. This is another controversial red flag. Again, it’s going to depend on the couple in question. My wife and I have friends of the opposite gender with whom we text and hang out alone. Why is this not a red flag? Communication and trust. She has hung out with every female friend I have, and I have hung out with every male friend she has. We have both signed off on these people as okay to hang out with without the other present. We set boundaries for each other and trust all parties involved not to cross those boundaries.
Now, if they are being secretive about their friends, refusing to let you meet them or talk to them, that’s a red flag. If no secrets exist and boundaries have been established, there is no red flag. Each relationship will set the rules for this in a way that makes sense for their relationship. Make sure everyone is on board with these rules and that there should be no problems.
There is a lot of controversy around hanging out with friends of the opposite gender because of the potential to get “too close” since there is an opportunity to cross a line, but it comes down to how much trust there is. Chances are, if you are happy in your relationship and your friends respect the rules of the relationship, there is nothing to worry about.
So, there you have it. These are common red flags that don’t have to be red flags. Context is everything here. Do not be quick to assume behaviors like these are red flags. Talk to each other.
Red flags are only red flags if you say they are. Nobody has a say over what is a red flag in your relationship.
If true crime defines your free time, this is for you: join Chip Chick’s True Crime Tribe
Sign up for Chip Chick’s newsletter and get stories like this delivered to your inbox.
More About:Advice