He Worried It Would Make Him A Bad Person For Leaving His Fiancée Over Her Special Needs Son
For over two years, this 28-year-old man was with his 30-year-old fiancée. She has an 8-year-old son from a previous relationship who has autism due to a condition he was born with.
Her son is low-functioning, has severe behavioral problems, and mentally is more like a 2-year-old than an 8-year-old.
He cannot say very much, constantly goes to the bathroom on himself, and can’t manage to sleep through the night.
“I’ve done so much to step up and be a good male role model, but I don’t know how much more I can take,” he explained.
Now, when he first started dating his fiancée, her son lived on the West Coast with his dad. However, the dad decided he didn’t want custody and started a new family.
So, although it was just him and his fiancée for the first several months of their relationship, suddenly, her son was back in her life, and everything changed for the worse.
Ever since his fiancée has had full custody of her son, she’s been super grouchy and stressed. She also experiences bouts of depression.
“I’ve been trying to be the savior in this situation, but I just miss waking up in my own space to some quiet for one morning, just one,” he said.
He’s over waking up at 2 a.m. because his fiancée’s son won’t sleep. He’s over having to clean up his fiancée’s son when he goes to the bathroom on himself. He’s over having to scrub the carpet when his fiancée’s son has an accident.
samael334 – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual person
“I’m tired of him violently hitting himself in the head daily when things don’t go his way,” he added.
“I’m tired of him spitting at people when he’s upset. I’m just tired. I want kids of my own, but with her son in the house, it’s no environment for a newborn baby. He’s been showing little to no progress since I’ve met him. I’m under the belief that this may be where he is developmentally for the rest of his life.”
“If I leave, I’m highly concerned about my fiancée and her mental health/wellbeing. She has had dozens of mental breakdowns dealing with the reality of her son, and I just don’t want to be the reason she falls into a deep depression. I love her and truly don’t want to devastate her like that.”
He and his fiancée have explored respite care, but in their state on the East Coast, there’s a lengthy waitlist.
After thinking a lot about whether he should end his relationship with his fiancée over her son, a month ago, he made the choice to dump her.
Leading up to ending things, he was spiraling out of control over how hard living with her son was on him.
He stopped going to the gym, started oversleeping, and even arrived late to work. He realized he was deeply unhappy.
“It was extremely hard and a sad moment for me, but I decided I could not sacrifice my peace of mind to make someone else happy at this moment in my life,” he added.
“Deep down I still don’t know if I made the right decision sometimes as I know it’ll be extremely tough on her to deal with her child alone. Actually, just last week, I received a call from her child’s school (as my name is still an emergency contact) on his first day that her son used the bathroom on himself three times before lunch, and I needed to bring an extra change of clothes, and he soiled three pairs of clothes, and he had no more spares.”
The school had attempted to contact his now ex-fiancée and failed as she was at work. He generously dropped off clothes for her son that day, though.
He is aware that she’s going to really struggle to care for her son by herself, but he doesn’t have it in him to reinsert himself into such a stressful living arrangement.
He really grappled with wondering if it made him a bad person to walk away from her, but he’s coming to terms with the fact that choosing to make yourself a priority doesn’t mean you’re a selfish or awful person.
“Your peace of mind is priceless, and you have to protect it,” he continued. “…Life is not easy at all, and you have to make some tough choices as you grow older.”
“So long as you can look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and be proud of who you are and where you are, I think you’ll be okay.”
What advice do you have for him?
You can read the original post on Reddit here.
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