Bre Avery Zacharski
This 43-year-old woman has spent two entire decades married to her husband. She says they’re actually still best friends, but man, have they really grown so far apart.
They have nothing in common anymore, and no interests that they share either. They also aren’t on the same page regarding important life problems, and their goals couldn’t be more opposite.
“He won’t go to therapy to work through some of this and potentially get back to what we had with some changes and compromises,” she explained. “I want a clean break, and I also truly love him, so I want to be kind.”
So, she turned to Reddit to ask divorced men to weigh in on how you should ask for a divorce, as that’s what she’s going to be doing.
1. Don’t Beat Around The Bush
The best advice I have ever gotten on delivering tough news is don’t beat around the bush. Come out and straight say, I love you, but I am not happy. I think it’s best if we split up.
Talking about it but not actually asking for it is bad and hurtful. You can list all of your justifications or negotiations after you said what you had to say.
Hope this helps…in my divorce, it turns out she was feeling the same way, but we were both too kind and were sticking around for the other one, even though we both mentally moved on. – Appropriate_Belt5413
2. I Love You, But
This is the best answer. “I love you, but this is not working” is so much better than anything else I’ve seen… -_hownowbrowncow_
3. I Can’t Do This Anymore
Anniversary 2009. By now, it’s 3 years past my wife’s affair and 2 years of a dead bedroom. We were talking about things, and I simply told her, “I can’t do this another year.” Direct and to the point. She felt the same way. We negotiated a separation agreement and moved on.
I would love to say the entire divorce was that easy, but divorce is messy. We have kids and made the effort to not be petty (though it didn’t always work out). 14 years on and we both realize it was a good decision. Our kids seem to be better for it, too. A marriage in conflict creates civilian casualties with your children as well. -StopCallingMeGeorge
4. Be Kind And Respectful
We cried, we got angry, we cried, and then we started looking with empathy over apathy, and we divorced with children as friends, starting a new friendship; the judge thanked us for our kind nature to one another, etc. Do it kindly and respectfully, and as much without lawyers as you can. Remember, the life they know is about to be upside down and scary.
Good luck and everyone else here is right. Just do it and work from Ground Zero instead of trying to plan it from that point on. -Youknowmeasmax87
5. Don’t Pick A Bad Moment To Break The News
Also, don’t do what my ex-wife did and tell him that when he’s driving at 65mph on an interstate with a toddler in the back seat.
I took it pretty hard, and can’t believe I made it to the next exit and stopped in a parking lot without getting us all killed. -agent_uno
6. Don’t Go Behind Your Spouse’s Back
My ex left me while I was at work. I came home to a fairly empty house and a note written on a beer box telling me where she and my daughter were. She swore up and down that all she wanted was some space to figure things out, that she didn’t want a divorce. About 2 months later, she invited me to her place for some [close] time.
I got there and she was completely drunk, slurring her words and whatnot. Obviously, I declined the advancements. She got extremely angry with me and started berating me like she did so many nights before, only this time I didn’t have to sit and wait it out. I decided to leave. She then utters, “Good luck in court on Tuesday”.
That’s how I found out she had filed for divorce before she even moved out. She was lying to me the entire time. She never paid the fee to the sheriff, so I never got served. I do not recommend this route. -Bimlouhay83
7. Don’t Get A Divorce If You Think You’ll Find Someone Better
There is no kind way. No matter how you do it or say it, it will be a gut punch…The only thing I can recommend is to straight forward and honest with it. Sit him down and tell him straight that you don’t want to be married to him anymore. Don’t make any empty promises; don’t give him any straws to grasp. You’re going to absolutely crush him, and giving any false hope is absolutely the worst thing to do. You will be very tempted to comfort or console him, to try and make him feel better, don’t. Obviously, don’t be mean, or cruel or jaded, or harsh; don’t make it worse, but also don’t try and make it better either. Just make it clear.
He’s likely to react poorly, it might be sadness, it might be anger, or anything in between or both. He’s probably going to have some hate for you for a while. This is all in the realm of normal; this is the biggest rejection one can face, and it hurts. Even if he likewise doesn’t want to be married to you anymore either, it’s still painful.
I also recommend getting your ducks in a row first. A place to stay for a while so you all can each have your own space; you’ll need it. He might be able to talk you into questioning your decision, convincing you into staying just a little longer, trying to make it work, another chance. But if you’re set on divorce, all you’re doing is delaying the inevitable. It seems like you’ve been trying to get him to fix it, but he’s not trying, and he’s pretty much gone from your heart, never to return. It happens, but I’ve never seen it. Having a place to run to after the talk makes it more likely that he won’t be able to convince you to stay longer.
One final thing: don’t go through with a divorce if you think that you’ll find better or that there’s better out there for you. I’m 41, single, divorced in 2010, and have yet to find someone worth marrying again. Dating now is a [mess]; so much damage, so much entitlement. So only divorce if the idea of being single forever appeals to you more than continuing to live with him. -serene_brutality
8. Find A Good Lawyer And Pack A Bag
Do some admin legwork first. Find a good lawyer. Make sure your assets and income are accessible even if he goes nasty. Have somewhere to go. Have a bag packed and in the trunk.
Then, calmly tell him your point of view. You sound decided, so it isn’t a discussion or an ultimatum. Frame it that way. You then need to leave as soon as you’ve told him. He’ll need time to process. -Jack-Ladder79
9. Ask If They’re Happy First
I can’t help but wonder if it’s worth starting out with, “Are you happy?” -Desperate_Ambrose
10. Don’t Jump Into Another Relationship After You Ask
I should add a caveat that you should NOT be seeing another person immediately after you say those words. Otherwise, he will get the impression that you have been cheating or the real reason for divorce was so that you can go sleep with another person without the guilt of a cheat.
Sorry, ladies, I know it’s nothing personal, and you’re free to do so. But recognize there are serious consequences to your actions. If you start a relationship with another guy almost immediately, then expect your ex to respond coldly towards you.
The hurt you inflict will be deeply felt. Especially if they loved you and thought the relationship was going through a rough patch and could be fixed. -the99percent1
You can read the original post on Reddit here.
