We are living in the final days of family secrets. Between social media and DNA kits, secrets can’t stay that way for long. How would you feel if you were adopted and found out that your mom lied to you about your birth mom’s death? Would you be forgiving, or would you be furious?
This woman has a 26-year-old daughter named Emma, whom she adopted when Emma was born. The adoption was closed and private, and she welcomed Emma into her family back in 1998.
Emma’s birth mom was a 19-year-old college kid who was not prepared to parent a baby. She and her husband met Emma’s mom one time before she entered the world, and while she seemed to be a sweetheart, she was stressed out.
“She picked us from a book of profiles. After Emma was born, we sent updates and photos through the agency for the first few years as we agreed, then the agency closed in 2004, and that was that. No contact ever since,” she explained.
“Emma always knew she was adopted; we never hid it. She was curious about it the way any kid would be, but it wasn’t an obsession or anything.”
“When she was 16, she asked if she could try to find her birth mother. She was going through some identity stuff, totally normal for adopted teens; her therapist even encouraged it. I said I’d help.”
She did try her hardest to track down Emma’s mom, and after some internet investigating, she was able to locate her, as her name was in the paperwork she had from the adoption.
She managed to find the contact info for Emma’s mom and penned her a letter asking if she would like to speak to Emma, since she had an interest in her.
Less than a month later, she received a reply. Emma’s mom stated that her life was very different. She had kids and a husband who had no idea Emma existed.
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Emma’s mom admitted the adoption was one of the most difficult things she’s ever experienced; however, the door had to remain closed on it.
Emma’s mom pleaded with her to keep her information private and never reach out to her again. She ended her letter by saying she wished Emma the best but did not want to talk to her.
For two days, she grappled with what to do. She didn’t know how she would inform 16-year-old Emma that her birth mom didn’t want her in her life.
Additionally, she thought it would crush Emma further to know she had siblings who were with the woman who gave her away. She didn’t have it in her to break her heart, so she chose a lie instead.
“So I told Emma her birth mother had died. I said I’d found out through the registry that she passed away a few years after the adoption, [in a] car accident. I said I was so sorry. I held her while she cried,” she added.
“She grieved hard that year. She wrote letters to her birth mother and burned them in our backyard fire pit. She made a little memorial box with the one photo we had from the hospital.”
“She got a small tattoo on her 18th birthday – a little sparrow because I’d told her birth mother mentioned liking birds (she had, once, in our one meeting).”
Emma got a therapist to deal with her grief. Every serious boyfriend Emma has had, she’s told them about her dead mom and how she never had the opportunity to meet her.
This lie she told Emma became a part of her identity and her story. Emma is currently engaged and trying for a baby. A week ago, she sobbed happily and said she wished her mom had gotten to see how well sheturned out.
She frequently looks up Emma’s mom. She’s 45 and living in Indiana. She has three children and a bakery. She’s very much alive, yet Emma lights a candle on the anniversary of the death she made up every year.
“Now, Emma’s fiancé got her an Ancestry DNA kit for Christmas. She hasn’t opened it yet, and is excited to ‘learn about the heritage she never got to explore,'” she continued.
“She doesn’t know that when she submits that test, she might match with half-siblings. Might match with cousins who know the birth mother. Might find out her dead mother has been posting photos of her sourdough every Sunday for the last 5 years.”
“I have maybe a month before she takes that test, and my whole lie collapses. My husband knows. He didn’t agree with what I did, but he didn’t stop me either. He says I need to tell her before she finds out on her own. He says it’ll be worse if she discovers it from a DNA-match message that says, ‘Hey, I think we’re half-sisters?'”
She’s just not sure how to tell Emma that she’s allowed her to be sad for a decade because she was convinced it was easier to deal with than reality.
I do think she created more chaos by choosing that major of a lie. Yes, telling Emma the truth would have been devastating, but hiding the fact that her birth mom is still alive was a worse choice.
Time to hurry up and tell Emma the truth before she finds out through the DNA test. Hopefully, Emma will show her some compassion for the way she chose to protect her heart.
What advice do you have for her?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
