Obsession Is Not Love: Here’s Why You Often Confuse The Two, And How To Break The Cycle
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer, Katharina Buczek.
If you ever had a high school crush or teenage relationship, then you probably are no stranger to a bit of obsession.
With turbulent hormones coursing through our veins and adolescent optimism clouding our vision, it was easy to fall head over heels– or so we thought.
We likely weren’t really in love. And in hindsight, it’s obviously much easier to recognize that.
At the time, though, sitting next to your crush in chemistry class or bumping shoulders while walking down the hallway probably made your heart plummet to your stomach. And at those moments, you likely thought that was what true love felt like.
It’s clear now that our teenage romances were likely rooted more in longing and idealism, an obsession with the idea of being in love.
But even if we eventually grew out of these fantasies and moved on from our teenage crushes, the truth is that obsession can still pervade our adult relationships– masquerading as love and lust when really, it’s not.
It is actually really common for adults to continue confusing the two, also. You may meet someone on a first date and barely know them, yet feel this pull that is almost electric.
And with so many people– from movie stars to book protagonists– claiming that you should just “know” when you meet the right partner, this magnetic attraction can be misleading. It pushes you to think that your infatuation and strange pull to this person is what love really is.
georgerudy – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual person
Quite frankly, though, it’s not.
Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that if you fall in love with someone, you can’t feel an undeniable connection and draw to them.
But love and true compatibility doesn’t rely on this magnetism alone. Instead, this is just an obsessive loop cycle that can manifest due to a variety of reasons based on the person.
So, let’s go over three of the most common reasons why you might get obsessed with your love interests– as well as how to break the cycle.
Why You Are Obsessive
Our subconscious takes the fall for a lot of humans’ flaws and faults– from bias and self-criticism to unhealthy habits. To add to that list, it is also sometimes responsible for our obsession with other people.
Allow me to explain. While you may not actively think about past experiences– whether good or traumatic– every day, your subconscious never forgets. And these instances that shaped us are what drive our motivations and actions.
That’s why, if you had a painful relationship in the past, your mind tends to search for situations that mirror that experience. It sounds counterintuitive, I know. But stay with me.
Let’s say you go out on a first date. During this encounter, you and your date are mentally taking stock of everything about each other– from appearance and tone of voice to interests and hand gestures.
You may not realize it, but sometimes, our subconscious picks up on traits or characteristics that align with past trauma. Afterward, this realization sparks a strange process that pushes us to latch on.
Now, you’re probably wondering, “Why would I be attracted to someone who reminds me of a hurtful past relationship?” Well, it’s due to a bit of somewhat (un)logical reasoning.
Our brain believes that if we are able to get this person to like or even love us, then we can resolve past internal pain and trauma– filling a previous gap if you will.
Most of the time, though, this well-intended noble quest never goes according to plan. So, you continue obsessing over people, getting hurt again, and the cycle repeats itself.
Another common reason why people become obsessive with potential partners is that they are simply seeking validation. Perhaps you struggled with self-image as a child or grew up without stable finances in your home. In adulthood, you may be drawn to the most stereotypically-attractive people or the most fiscally accomplished– simply because you want that sense of validation.
And if these people show any semblance of interest in you, it can cause your brain to go wild– pushing you to become obsessed and hyper-fixated on their perception of you.
Finally, obsession can also just be a distraction from your life. After all, it is much leaser to get lost while pursuing someone else than focus on improving your own life.
This is way more common than we think. Consider this: how many times have you ever put a number or criteria on your happiness? For instance, “I’ll be happy once I lose 20 pounds” or “I’ll be happy once I get married.”
And in obsessive relationships, it’s no different. While it may still feel emotionally draining, it is usually easier to wonder if someone likes you or how they feel about you as opposed to if you like them, want them in your life, and are truly ready to commit.
How To Overcome The Infatuation
Now that you understand the different causes of obsession, it’s time to get to the root of your own personal case. Practice some self-reflection– which will likely focus on your childhood and young adulthood. What trauma do you still carry around with you? How does this impact your thought patterns, behaviors, and decisions?
And this next step is not always easy, but it’s crucial: you have to switch the focus back to yourself. The first way you can do this is by looking at the person you’re obsessed with and figuring out what exactly you have latched on to.
For instance, you may be obsessed with their confidence or their positive energy. Whatever it may be, once you recognize these qualities, start considering how you can embody those traits.
Also, when it comes to wondering about your relationship with this person, make sure your questions are you-centered. Rather than thinking about their perception or intentions, ask yourself what you need and want.
Finally, realize that no one on Earth is worthy of being placed on such a high pedestal. Everyone is fallible– having downfalls and making mistakes. So if you worship the ground they work on, and they inevitably hurt you in some way, you are subjecting yourself to a world of hurt that is completely unnecessary.
Instead, take off the rose-colored glasses and realize that the person you’re obsessed with is human. See them for who they truly are, and leave the fantasy behind. This false idealistic view is only preventing you from forming a genuine connection, anyway.
And in its place, work to fill the emotional void that is present inside your own heart. Obsession tends to manifest when we feel a part of our own soul is empty. Maybe you lack self-love or feel unmotivated. Perhaps you desire more excitement or feel unsafe in your current situation.
Whatever it may be, just make a conscious effort to work on it.
At the end of the day, only you can take ownership of your life and fill it with abundance. And once you finally begin to feel empowered and fulfilled in your own mind and overall existence, you will stop feeling the need to fill your time with other people who just serve your subconscious obsessions.
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