Are Second Chances Realistic? Here’s How To Know If You Should Let Go Of Your Partner After They Cheat
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer, Katharina Buczek.
The idea of infidelity often feels impossible. It seems inconceivable that your partner, your person, would ever betray you like that.
But, sadly, it happens all too often. And after your heart is shattered, you are both blindsided and left to pick up the pieces all by yourself.
This recovery process can be brutal. All the while, as you tend to your own emotional wounds, you can’t help but wonder about the future of your relationship.
Will you stay with them? Will you give them a second chance? Or will you let go?
These questions seldom have an easy answer.
Instead, the only way to figure out your next steps is to practice some self-reflection and get to the root of your feelings, needs, and intentions.
How To Know If You Should Let Go
Self-reflection can sometimes be fun. Online, we see people from around the globe filling out gratitude journals and creating brain dumps using colorful gel pens and washi tape.
kieferpix – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual people
But I won’t lie to you: reflecting to determine the future of your relationship will not be a walk in the park.
Rather, you will be forced to ask yourself a few key questions: the first being, could you ever come to trust your partner again?
Let’s face it: a relationship without trust is not a partnership at all. And after your boyfriend or girlfriend has an affair, it may seem rich to think you’d be able to immediately trust them again.
So, don’t worry– that’s not what I am asking. Instead, I am urging you to consider the little things that inevitably pop up in all relationships.
For instance, if your partner texts that they have to work late one evening, will alarm bells start ringing in your mind? Or if their phone “dings” with a new text message, you will feel the urge to check their screen?
My point is that, over time, you and your partner will have to spend time apart and lead individual lives. In those instances, will you be able to feel content and secure in your relationship? Or will you feel wary, insecure, nervous, or angry?
If you believe the latter is more realistic, then it may be time to let go of your partner. Without trust, your mental health will be relentlessly impacted, and your heart will be in survival mode. This is not worth it, whether the concerns are unfounded or not.
Another key question to consider when figuring out the future of your relationship is whether or not you will ever be able to forgive your partner.
Now, forgiveness is a heavy act to carry out. It is never straightforward but involves many moving parts.
First of all, you must be able to accept the fact that people make mistakes. And in that same breath, you may have to forgive secrecy, lies, emotional unavailability, and more.
Afterward, you may also have to forgive yourself. You may be carrying your own weight on your shoulders, feeling foolish for missing the signs, or believing that you pushed your partner to cheat.
Finally, upon actually forgiving your partner, they must take responsibility for their infidelity and commit to the relationship again. All of these facets of forgiveness are hard. They require you to climb mountains of emotions and allow your partner space in your life again that is not clouded with resentment or anger.
So, it’s completely understandable if you just cannot get past the betrayal your partner made you feel. At least right now. And if you cannot, that’s a sign that you should let your partner go. After all, forgiving them when you’re not really ready will only lead to future conflict via pent-up emotions.
Lastly, one more important question you must ask yourself is whether or not you actually want to be with your partner anymore. Sure, you may love them. But we all know that sometimes, love is not enough by itself.
Do you feel like you have to stay with your partner just because you invested a lot of time into your relationship? Are you worried about what other people may think if you split up? Finally, are you just afraid you may not find anyone better?
Staying with your partner for any of these reasons is not the right answer. Staying with your partner because you feel like you “should” will only cause you to resent them over time.
That’s why, if you’re not sure if you have to let go of your partner, truly think about your relationship. Does your partner still make you happy? Do you enjoy spending time with them? Can you envision a future together that makes you hopeful and optimistic?
If the answers to these questions are “no,” then it might be best to finally let go, move on, and find a partner who truly satisfies your needs and wants.
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