Do you know what a lavender marriage is? It’s a marriage intended for convenience purposes only, and usually the bride or groom identifies as a lesbian or gay, so the union is supposed to be to keep up appearances if the couple is afraid of people knowing the truth about them.
Meaning, if your whole family doesn’t approve of your orientation, or if you don’t want people at work to know about your preferences, this is an excellent way to protect your image and reputation (and it was a strategy of survival, historically speaking/before same gender marriages were legal).
The term has made an appearance lately on TikTok, and younger people have taken it out of context, thinking a lavender marriage means you should marry your best friend for financial gains or other benefits…and it seems she is one of those people who doesn’t quite understand the meaning behind a lavender marriage.
This 27-year-old woman has a male best friend, whom she’s been close to for more than a decade now, and they basically grew up with one another.
“Our personalities, interests, and quirks have all evolved around each other. He gets me in every way possible. We’re literally so interlocked that we tell each other ‘I love you’ before hanging up the phone or saying goodnight (I don’t even do that for my parents),” she explained.
“The difference, however, is that when he tells me he loves me, he means it in a platonic, brotherly way. For me? It’s always meant something romantic.”
“He’s not interested in me, though. I know that for a fact. When we were younger, I’d make little moves on him, subtle, not-so-subtle, and he’d just ignore them, so I gave up.”
He will never come to see her as more than a friend, and that’s something she can pretty much sadly count on. Oh, unrequited love.
Her best friend says he’s bi, but she can’t say that she’s seen him show any interest in someone romantically speaking; neither men nor women.
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Her best friend has not hooked up or dated a single soul. He doesn’t do anything to meet his own needs either, and so, given his neutrality on love and connections, she’s refrained from telling her best friend about her feelings for him.
“There’s no universe in which he could ever reciprocate even one percent of it. For years, we’ve joked about having a ‘lavender marriage,'” she added.
“But a few weeks ago, we actually made a serious backup marriage pact: if neither of us is married by 30, we’ll marry each other. If it were up to me, I’d marry him today. I can’t wait until I’m 30.”
“I love him so much that I’d rather share my life with him platonically than chase a romantic relationship with someone else. I’ve had several boyfriends and girlfriends over the years, but even when I was with them, I never got over him (I know, that makes me sound terrible).”
She’s convinced this could work because she’s fine with him never coming to love her the way that she loves him. She can settle for simply having him be a part of her life.
She wants to share bank accounts, buy a house, see the world, and perhaps adopt a couple of kids with him. Her only hang-up here is that she’s not sure it would be a good idea to settle down with (or rather, settle for) her best friend.
She is aware that a lavender marriage is meant to be platonic, and she knows a potential marriage would be built on a lie, since she is in love with him.
“In my head, the idea of being in a kind of ‘non-traditional’ lavender marriage with the man of my dreams sounds perfect, but I’m afraid that somewhere down the line I’ll start to feel unwanted, unsatisfied, and unloved,” she concluded.
Listen, I know it’s hard to find someone you want to spend your life with. Dating is basically a job, a mission to find your soulmate, and it takes hard work.
I think she should accept that it’s difficult and put herself out there instead of signing herself up for something this sad. Sorry, it had to be said, and she needs to respect herself more than to even entertain the idea of marrying her best friend.
Marrying this guy would be a life sentence of heartbreak and loneliness. Because what could be lonelier than being married to a man you’re madly in love with, but who will never love you back?
Oh, and P.S., life doesn’t end when you hit 30! You can find love at any age, and so many people don’t even think of getting married until later on in life.
What advice do you have for her?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
