If your spouse had a history of cheating on you, but they caught you in a small lie that upset them, would you find that fair? Do you think they would have a right to be mad at you for it, considering that cheating always comes with lies?
This woman’s husband most recently cheated on her more than a year ago, and they have both done a lot of work to heal while repairing their marriage.
Despite all of this, her husband is extremely paranoid of her lying to him. She finds that ironic, as he’s the one who cheated, not her.
“…I made that worse by going through a massive stage of secretly pain shopping as a trauma response, then lying about it, but later revealing it (after first Dday),” she explained.
“Today, he caught me in a lie. I found one of his old affair partner’s TikToks a few weeks ago (She is 23, it was embarrassing), told him, but didn’t tell him that I sent her a follow request. I really, really regret doing it mainly for my sake.”
“I was panicking and wanted to see what she looked like all those years ago, and I really do struggle with pain shopping. I don’t stalk anyone’s social media anymore because it hurts me, but yeah.”
At the moment, she chose to lie to her husband, since he gets quite upset with her for stalking the girls he cheated on her with. She lied and attempted to weasel her way out of it, but it backfired.
Next, her husband began crying, said he loves her but no longer trusts her, and has to take some time to consider all of that. He has since gone to stay at his mom and dad’s house to get a bit of space from her.
She can see it’s the healthiest thing for him, but it’s hurtful and triggers her. She’s beside herself and spiraling out of control, as she’s scared her husband will leave her for the latest lie.
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“I am really conflicted because I feel guilty for lying about it, and I know he has his own trauma in this area, but I also feel abandoned, and I want to give myself grace because, quite frankly, I’ve developed his pattern of lying about pain shopping due to trauma and not feeling safe,” she continued.
“The idea that I’d try to forgive him and heal all this trust, but he’d potentially leave or scorn me for lying, feels so, so, terrible.
This is a rant, but I feel so terribly alone, and I don’t know what to do or how to act or take care of myself.”
“I am ashamed of lying because, as betrayed partners, we know how much it stings. I also feel a little indignant to be scrutinized. Any words of comfort or advice would be helpful because I’m kind of losing it. I’m starting to feel like my goals, career, and opinions matter less in the relationship.”
Well, I think she definitely needs to work on looking up her husband’s former affair partners on the internet, because that’s not going to help her heal at all (or him).
She’s just choosing to torture herself, and she has to cut it out. That should also help her stop lying, as it only centers on that behavior: spying on the women her husband had connections with.
It does seem to me like her husband is remorseful, which is good. But I can understand why he’s upset with her for moving backward on reconciling by what she’s doing on the internet.
What advice do you have for her?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
