Did you know that, according to the CDC, symptoms of postpartum depression impact 1 in 8 women who have recently given birth? Anxiety, guilt, mood swings, and exhaustion are some of the hallmark symptoms that signify a mom is suffering from it.
So if you were married to a woman who was diagnosed with postpartum depression and was not showing signs of improvement, would you kick her when she was down, or do anything in your power to make her better?
This 35-year-old man has a wife the same age as him, and they have a daughter who is 17 months old. His wife’s journey to motherhood was hardly easy.
“My wife had a difficult pregnancy with lots of complications and suffered from prepartum anxiety and depression. However, when our daughter was born, she was the perfect mother,” he explained.
“She did all the night wakings and feeds, stayed at home with the baby until she was 8 months old. Our daughter was always clean, well-dressed, well-fed, and entertained.”
But after his wife went back to work, everything spiraled downhill for her. Her anxiety attacks came back on a regular basis. Her mood was always horrible.
Then, his wife was diagnosed with severe postpartum depression. She began doing less work around the house and asking him to take it all on instead.
His wife grew to need assistance with the household responsibilities and the baby nonstop. His wife no longer cleaned, washed dishes, or did laundry, meaning he had to do everything. His wife was also worried about being left home alone with their daughter.
“She was in bed or on the sofa most of the time, on a cocktail of benzos, antidepressants, and antipsychotics. For months, she said the medication and therapy weren’t working,” he added.
“Around this time, she also started to care less and less about our daughter. If she could delegate meals, nappy changes, bedtime routine, and entertainment, she would. I found myself doing more and more, even though my wife and I had always agreed that we’d do 50/50. This lasted 8 months.”
“At one point, I was exhausted and done with this. I told her either she got better, or I would ask for a divorce. I have to confess that by then, I didn’t love my wife and didn’t feel attracted to her anymore. Her personality was completely obliterated by the meds, and all she could do was complain that she was anxious over nothing. All. The. Time.”
His wife managed to improve after getting a different combination of medication. She went back to completing some of their household chores and improving the care of their daughter.
However, he was still deeply unhappy that she was falling quite short of that 50/50 split she had promised him. This leads us to today.
His wife is much better; she has a new job, and she can get out of bed every morning. She still asks him to do certain things, and he can’t recall the last time his wife did their dishes.
“When she’s with our daughter, she just sits there on her phone most of the time and barely interacts with her. She only bathes her twice a week,” he continued.
“She doesn’t prepare our daughter’s meals and feeds her supermarket baby food. As soon as I get home, she expects me to take over entertaining the baby. If she can skirt around meal and bedtime, she will.”
“I had a serious talk with her about this, and at one point, I told her she was a bad mother who ignores her daughter most of the time. She cried and accused me of being cruel because, apparently, being a bad mother is one of her biggest fears. I don’t know how else to handle this. I’m just exhausted, and I feel terrible for our baby.”
I really don’t think he’s showing his wife enough sympathy or being a supportive husband. When you are someone’s partner in life, sure, you can vow to equally split responsibilities, but it rarely shakes out like that in real life.
Things happen, and as a spouse, you often need to step up and take on more in some moments, while there’s a flip side to that, too.
His wife has been diagnosed with a serious mental illness, and instead of being there to help her through it, he’s complaining about what she doesn’t do, which is so sad to me.
And it does sound like right after his wife gave birth, she did everything, while he did nothing, and he got a little too used to that. It comes across as if he has already checked out of his marriage, but if he’s truly interested in assisting his wife in getting better, there’s a lot to still be done.
He should show her more kindness. He should get them into couples counseling. He should listen to her when she’s having a bad day and not give her a hard time about that ridiculous 50/50 arrangement.
Oh, and he should apologize for calling her a bad mom, because that was unnecessarily cruel.
He’s not sure what else to do.
What advice do you have for him?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
