I think a lot of us believe that the signs of a dying marriage mimic a car crash: violent and obvious. Though sometimes, the end is more subtle than that, and there aren’t glaring, unmistakable indicators that your spouse wants out.
But if your spouse asked for a divorce, took it back, and then told you that they’re not interested in any romance or making an effort in the bedroom, how would you feel?
This woman has been married to her husband for close to a decade, and they have a daughter together. A bit more than a year ago, things began to go downhill between her and her husband.
“About 18 months ago, my husband told me he didn’t see a future with me. It felt out of the blue, and I was blindsided. He reached this conclusion in individual therapy and said he didn’t feel our interests were aligned and that ultimately he didn’t see us growing old together,” she explained.
“I was devastated, and he walked it back; I offered to go to couples counseling, and he decided not to. Things were ok for the next year. 6 months ago, he told me he was unhappy in the marriage.”
“I was less blindsided this time, so we were able to have more of a rational discussion. He deliberated for a week or two until I asked him to make a decision, at which point he said he was leaving.”
Her husband really values his privacy, so when she found out that he had announced to his family members and friends that he was leaving her, she recognized the gravity of the situation.
They didn’t say a word about splitting up to their daughter, and her husband did not move out of their house, which she actually owns, or do anything to make the separation official.
Her husband kept on acting like their lives were fine. She finally confronted him and said they couldn’t keep hanging out and acting normal.
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That made her husband upset, and he confessed that he had made a mistake and wanted to stay married to her. He also asked to go to couples counseling.
“Just a total 180 out of nowhere. I was and remain skeptical of his desire to actually stay; I feel that he realized that, as I am the primary breadwinner, parent, and housekeeper, his life was about to get a lot less comfortable,” she added.
“There is necessary context about our [personal] life. I’ve had a difficult relationship with…my body and have only recently been able to [have a good time] by researching and using toys.”
She has asked her husband to be more patient and engaged, but he gets irritated and gives up on all of that, which makes her feel like a repulsive piece of manhandled meat.
Her husband has mentioned being interested in men and women, but insists he’s not gay, so that leaves her feeling even more confused about what’s going on (or not) in the bedroom.
Six months ago, when they had a conversation about divorce and their marriage, her husband did accept that he put no effort in, while she had clearly asked him to be more attentive when it came to physical topics.
“He told me he was not interested in this. I was shocked at the time, but I think I am only recently beginning to process how profoundly gutting it is to be told by your spouse that you are unworthy of that effort and attention,” she continued.
“We’re currently floating in limbo and have tentatively discussed what divorce/splitting assets would look like. I am obviously devastated at the prospect of ending our marriage and the headache/financial implications of separating our lives.”
“In many ways, we are so compatible as best friends, so I can’t help but feel [a] nagging doubt that I am throwing away a perfectly stable marriage. I am afraid to start again, and ultimately, I don’t know how I could pursue a [physical] relationship with someone else because my confidence is in the gutter.”
She’s left wondering if you would be able to get over your spouse expressing that they’re not interested in helping you have a good time or keeping the romance going.
She shouldn’t be able to get over this because her husband is not showing her he cares about her at all, and has already made it clear he wants out.
It sounds like her husband will just comfortably coast until she takes matters into her own hands, serves him with divorce papers, and kicks him out of the house.
Why is she settling? Nothing about her husband or her marriage screams stability, so I’m confused why she thinks she would be throwing away something perfect because her marriage is far from it.
What do you think?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
