Do you think it’s fair for the person you are dating to do everything they can to mold you into their perfect partner? Or is that always likely to backfire?
This 29-year-old woman and her 30-year-old boyfriend have dated for 2.5 years, and from the beginning, they have been discussing marriage and milestones. They live a bit more than two hours from each other, making them long-distance.
Their families get along well and are quite close. Her boyfriend’s mom and dad love her, and his mom keeps saying she wants them to tie the knot.
“At the start of the relationship, he kind of love bombed me and then admitted he had rose-tinted glasses when he realized I wasn’t ‘perfect,'” she explained.
“His interests are in financial investing, personal development, and fitness. When I met him, he didn’t have a job and was day trading (living at home with his parents, which, TBH, in my culture, Middle Eastern, isn’t a big shock since a lot of men live at home [until] they marry).”
“I did think the day trading was a bit weird because he wasn’t making nearly enough to support himself but his family was supporting him as he’s an only child and was going to school for an MBA in the fall (he previously did engineering and tried to make his own start up but it failed and then started day trading but just recently got a corporate job). I currently still live at home too, and I work as an engineer.”
So, the first problem her boyfriend brought up was that she doesn’t have an interest in investing. She remarked that she expected her future husband to deal with any investments, as she does not want to be involved.
Her boyfriend took that as a lack of ambition on her part, which never occurred to her. Sure, if she was forced to get educated on investments, she could, but since that’s such a big passion for her boyfriend, she is happy to leave it up to him.
Her boyfriend has said he wants a wife who will be excited about the investments with him. She did buy a few books to read up on it, and has even invested some of her own money through third-party apps.
Overall, her portfolio is diverse, but she doesn’t day trade. Her boyfriend is still pushing her to learn more about trading and companies, but she can’t tell if this is problematic.
The second problem is fitness. She had dropped 40 pounds after meeting her boyfriend, and he is ripped. He weighs his food, even when they go out to eat, and he is serious about the gym.
A year into dating, she injured her leg and gained 20 pounds, and she is aware that through diet, she can lose it, but she’s mad about gaining it in the first place.
“The point is, he’s made it clear that this is something that he doesn’t exactly like. Long story short, from the beginning of our relationship (after the rose-tinted glasses), he has not been affectionate at all in terms of words of affirmation,” she added.
“He never compliments me or says cute stuff to me or even really says anything nice. When I bring it up to him, he just says he’s not like that with anyone, and it’s not that he’s not thinking these things, but that he just doesn’t say them, but he’ll try.”
“However, he said once that he thinks because he values fitness so much that he thinks he would have more affection for me if I was more at his level (basically if I lost weight and had a better body).”
While her boyfriend has a good heart, he is always illuminating her flaws. He says she doesn’t go to the gym, save, diet, or read enough.
On the one hand, she feels this is just him caring about her and wanting her to be her best self; on the other, she’s beginning to wonder if her boyfriend even likes her.
He’s pushing her to aim higher, but she’s doubting she will ever be enough for him. Not too long ago, they were talking about getting married, as he recently got a job.
“…He said one of the reasons he wouldn’t wanna propose right now is because my body isn’t where he would want it to be. And he says that he’s not saying this just for vanity reasons but also mindset because he wants to be with someone who has the same mindset of taking care of their body, etc.,” she continued.
“I don’t eat unhealthy or anything, I just can’t be as physical as I want because of my leg, it’s getting better though. I guess I could have a stricter diet, though, and calorie count.”
“So, all this to say, is it reasonable for him not to want to propose until I achieve these things he wants from me? Or is he asking for too much/doesn’t even like me, and is leading me on until he finds something he thinks is better?”
I really want her to reread her own words and ask herself whether this sounds like a man she wants to marry. He literally told her she’s not perfect and doesn’t have a nice body. Ew.
What happens if she does get married to him, they have kids, and she gains weight? Is he going to stop loving her then? Having your weight be a condition for your partner to love you is not a position anyone should want to be in.
It seems to me like her boyfriend is giving her all these requirements to earn a ring and a wedding, but he will only keep moving the goalposts while stringing her along.
She should be running, not walking away, from this man. Who cares if his family adores her, because it doesn’t sound like he shares that sentiment.
There are people out there who won’t make you jump through hoops to earn their affection. Unconditional love does exist, she just hasn’t found it yet.
What advice do you have for her?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
