Dying alone is pretty much seen as the ultimate failure; a fear so potent that sometimes, it’s used to justify staying in toxic situations that simply don’t serve us.
But if you had to choose between dying alone and living a life where you are never truly yourself, which is the greater tragedy?
For 18 months, this 28-year-old woman had a 30-year-old boyfriend named Kevin, and Kevin was supposed to move into her house when his lease was up at the end of November.
She owns her home, while Kevin was renting. Kevin’s roommate then got engaged, so living together appeared to be a natural next step in the progression of their relationship.
“Kevin was generally a good guy. Funny, charming, easy-going. I thought I was in love. But a few weeks before he was supposed to move in, he made a weird off-hand comment about my evening shower habits,” she explained.
“Now look, I know some people will find this crazy, but it’s not as crazy as it seems. I have a glorious steam shower with a comfy bench. I take long…steams before bed.”
She normally sits there for 15 minutes in the steam, then uses another 5 or 10 minutes to wash her hair and shower, before wrapping up with 5 more minutes invested in her skin care routine.
It’s not like she’s monopolizing the only bathroom in her house or all of the hot water available.
She also only takes this time to herself after all of her household chores and responsibilities have been completed for the day. It’s a small act of self-care for her that is a meaningful part of her routine.
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“Anyway, the comment was that I would have to knock off things like that when I was living with him. Which, why? He said I was wasting time and needed to be more ‘present’ when I lived with ‘a man,'” she added.
“…It’s 30-40 minutes. I can’t have 30-40 minutes to myself? This led to a longer argument about the various things about myself and life I would need to change before he would move in. Like I was doing him a favor, letting him live with me rent-free.”
“Many things themselves weren’t terrible: put my various skin care things away rather than leaving them on the shelf (fair), don’t leave so many shoes in the mudroom (they’re on a rack but whatever), stop the composting service (he wants to do it). But a few were non-starters: don’t have my brother (17) and his friends over “unsupervised” (by him!), and don’t volunteer at a local shelter that houses men.”
She thought Kevin was being insane, as he never even hinted at being this crazy, controlling guy in all the time they had spent together.
She attempted to see things from his side, and Kevin shut her down by saying she basically was his woman and had to start behaving like that.
She informed Kevin that living together was off then, because she didn’t belong to him or anyone, for that matter. She then kicked him out of the house.
A few days after that all went down, they had another chat about expectations prior to Kevin moving in, but they couldn’t come to an agreement, so they broke up.
While she was upset about their split, it’s not like she was wrecked by it and was unable to get out of bed in the mornings. Mainly, she felt puzzled and wondered if she was bad at spotting red flags.
Because how did she go 18 months thinking Kevin was nothing but perfect when in reality, he was a closet control freak?
Her friends believe she was right to let Kevin go, and her little brother agrees too. However, her aunt and her mom think this is one of the biggest mistakes of her life.
“It’s been a solid two weeks of you’re going to die alone! You’re selfish! You have to compromise in relationships! You can’t expect him to put up with your single girl schedules and habits! He was such a catch! I feel like my head is going to explode,” she continued.
“I thought my mom would at least care that he was cutting off free brother sitting when they travel, but no, she thinks my ex was right that my brother and his friends shouldn’t be in the house alone with a single woman at their age (I babysat most of them when they were younger…).”
“Am I really unreasonable here? I’m driving myself nuts. We are not getting back together. But was I [a jerk]?”
Alright, I’m really confused over why her mom and aunt are acting like she’s going to die alone and imploded her shot with Prince Charming, because Kevin’s the worst.
This was a blessing in disguise, because imagine finding out about Kevin’s craziness after he moved into her house. That would have been a nightmare getting him out!
It’s better to die alone than live with someone who wants to control how long your showers are.
What do you think? How do you handle the realization that someone you’ve dated for over a year was hiding a completely different personality? Is it a failure to spot the red flags, or are some people just experts at the long con?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
