Why Do We Keep Going Back To Exes We Know Are Toxic And Not Good For Us?
Sometimes, You Can’t Help Who You Fall In Love With
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You hope they will be your person – until you find out they are just toxic. Unfortunately, it happens to the best of us.
If you have any experience with a toxic partner, you know they can make your life miserable both during the relationship and long after they are gone.
Toxic Partners Can Haunt You
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The damage inflicted by toxic partners often leaves trauma and wounds that follow us into our next relationship.
One of the worst parts of parting with a toxic partner is the backslide that can sometimes occur. Sometimes, that toxic ex knows just what to say or do to worm themselves back into their life.
When this happens, you’re inviting the cycle of toxic behavior to consume your life once again.
Why Do We Go Back?
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Let’s look at seven common reasons you would go back to a toxic ex and look at a few tips to break the cycle if your toxic ex keeps pulling you back in.
Reason #1: It’s A Security Blanket
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Relationships of all kinds give us a sense of comfort and warm feelings, especially when everything else in the world is uncertain.
When times get hard, it’s easy to go back to that sense of comfort, even if the ex is not the best person. It’s the same reason you re-watch your favorite movies and shows after a bad day.
Reason #2: You Are Seeking Validation
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A toxic partner is probably the best hype man you could ever ask for – when they want something from you.
Exes know how to make you feel good because they know you well. They know how to sweet talk you into seeing things their way – typically through manipulation and gaslighting.
Your toxic ex knows how to validate your feelings and thoughts to get what they want. You know this is an act, but you cannot help yourself. But remember, you left them for a reason.
Reason #3: It’s Easier Than Dating At Times
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Dating is hard. You have to figure out where you want to look for a date and look into online dating and dating apps, and everyone wants your Snap instead of your number… it’s a nightmare if you’ve been off the market for a while.
It can seem overwhelming when faced with all the choices and trying to get the hang of all the new dating trends you missed out on since being in a relationship.
So when you are faced with starting over and trying to make it work with your toxic ex – for some, the ex is the easier choice. Whether it is for laziness or fear of getting back out there, people sometimes choose to go back to a toxic ex rather than start over fresh in single life.
Reason #4: You Have A Skewed Perception Of Love Now
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Toxic exes can damage the way you perceive and feel about love. Everyone has their idea of what love is.
However, if a toxic ex has damaged that idea, you might be inclined to fall back into toxic cycles with an ex just because you don’t look at love the same way anymore.
Reasons #5: You Have Trauma You Haven’t Dealt With
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Trauma comes in all shapes and sizes and tends to resurface repeatedly until you deal with it. For example, trauma developed from a bad relationship can be particularly damaging.
One way people deal with trauma is by looking at the past and directly facing the source of their trauma.
Because of this mindset, people end up returning to a toxic ex – they want to change their past experiences by “doing things differently.” Unfortunately, this is rarely how it works out and will likely only add another brick to your trauma wall.
Reason #6: You Have Insecurities You Have Not Dealt With
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Insecurities can develop from all sorts of past experiences and lead to low self-esteem. In addition, these insecurities can have you making choices you are not proud of. One such choice is backsliding to your toxic ex.
Your toxic ex knows you well and knows how to play to your insecurities in a way that will break your will and make you think going back is a good idea. If you have insecurities you haven’t dealt with, you are more likely to be swayed back into a relationship with your toxic ex.
Reason #7: You Convince Yourself, “It’ll Be Different This Time”
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You put your heart and soul into that last relationship. When it went up in flames, you lost everything. It broke you – it hurt you.
Now that toxic ex wants you back, you want to give them another chance. Why? Because after all the time and energy you put into it, you want something to show for it besides heartache. So you reminisce on the good parts of the relationship and decide you’ll take steps to make things different this time.
I wouldn’t get your hopes up that it would be different this time if I were you.
How Do You Stop Yourself From Going Back?
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While there is no perfect playbook for stopping yourself from going back to a toxic ex, there are a few steps I have given clients who struggled with this. These steps have worked for hundreds of clients I have worked with to develop resilience to resist falling into toxic patterns.
Use These Steps To Stop Yourself From Going Back To Your Toxic Ex
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-Work on developing a connection to your feelings, wants, and needs
-Work on building up your self-esteem
-Practice self-care and self-love
-Be patient with yourself – mistakes will be made
-Work on changing how you see and feel about love
-Go “no contact” if you need to
-See the relationship for what it was like, not just the good times
-Seek the assistance of a therapist or relationship coach to help you navigate the challenges of moving on from that toxic ex
Have Any Relationship Questions You Need Help Answering? Send Us A Message!
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This list is far from exhaustive, but it gives you a general idea of why you might be going back and steps you can take to keep yourself from going back.
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