Setting Such Strict Boundaries May Be Ruining Your Friendships
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer.
“Boundaries” has been one of the hottest relationship buzzwords in recent years, and for good reason.
Whether you have an overstepping mother, reliant siblings, or a controlling partner, standing up for yourself and making it clear how you expect to be treated with respect is never a bad idea.
However, is it ever possible to take this notion too far?
Of course, boundaries are necessary for all kinds of relationships, whether they’re romantic, platonic, or professional. But I also believe that being too rigid can drive a wedge in your friendships.
Why We May Jump To Setting Strict Boundaries
Before we get into how these standards can impede friendships, let’s discuss why many people have gone so boundary-heavy in the first place.
If you are in your 20s or 30s, you might be going through a self-reflection period. This time during young adulthood is filled with contemplation as we try to figure out who we are and “why” we are that way.
You may have dealt with traumas in your childhood, and setting stricter boundaries in adulthood allows you to feel like you are taking back control and healing your inner child. Or, you might have been a chronic people pleaser and perfectionist who’s working on prioritizing yourself for a change.
sepy – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual person
These reasons and others are all understandable and valid. Still, finding a healthy balance is key to ensuring you don’t unintentionally damage or withdraw from your friendships.
How Harsh Boundaries Can Impact Your Friendships
First and foremost, remember that boundaries are meant to facilitate mutual respect and alleviate one-sidedness. So, you can’t dress up a long list of demands, call them “boundaries,” and get upset when your friends don’t abide by them.
For instance, have you ever felt like your friends didn’t care about you if they weren’t able to work around your schedule? This simply isn’t a boundary; it’s an unfair expectation that isn’t achievable every time you try to make plans.
And if we place such strict standards on our friendships, they aren’t unconditional, and you may end up pushing people you love away.
At the same token, it can be easy to fall into the trap of claiming “boundaries” are the reason why you’re no longer putting much effort into your friendships. You may have been wronged before, with a past family member, friend, or even partner treating your relationship like a one-way street.
So, you promised yourself that you’d never do that again. Instead, you wait for others to initiate and reach out if they want to talk to you, see you, or resolve an issue.
In doing so, you have completely turned the tables, becoming the person who puts in no effort. And it’s not fair to your current friends, who are essentially being punished for the hurt others caused you in the past.
It’s understandable to want to protect yourself, to reverse past patterns. And prioritizing your needs is still important. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t show up for your friends.
The most solid friendships consist of an ebb and flow, with both friends being there as life circumstances shift and you each need support.
Finally, going back to that desire for self-protection, you might be too quick to cut a friend out of your life completely after a conflict arises.
This trend can be seen on so many social media platforms. People share stories of friends who’ve disagreed with them, had a miscommunication, or made a mistake. Then they ditch them.
Well, spoiler alert: we all mess up. And can you imagine how lonely a place the world would be if we severed ties with everyone the moment they made a blunder?
Friendships are relationships, the bonding of two people to form a genuine connection. As we talk, relate, and spend time with each other, we are also supposed to learn and grow together.
Yes, there will be instances when cutting someone out of your life who’s shown a proven pattern of toxicity is warranted. Yet, don’t pull the plug on your best friend without showing them some grace first.
Think about the kind of empathy you’d like to be shown if you ever slipped up, and never forget it. The golden rule, “Treat others as you would want to be treated,” is crucial here.
At the end of the day, realize that issues will always come up in every single relationship you enter, and weathering the storm is often more important than fleeing in the name of your ego.
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