Some people find themselves after having a baby. Others lose sight of their partner in the process. And every once in a while, the person who’s been holding everything together finally decides it’s time to stop quietly doing it all and stand up for themselves.
This 35-year-old man says that, sadly, his wife went off to find herself following the birth of their child, and that’s what threw a wrench in their marriage.
For the first three years of their child’s life, his wife was a stay-at-home mom, since her salary was less than it would cost them to pay for childcare.
While at home with their kid, his wife completed her Master’s degree, and she has an amazing career at the moment. They ended up moving somewhere new following his wife’s graduation, since she had plenty of opportunities in that area.
It also worked out well for them to move, as they’re also much closer to their family members. But not long after relocating, his wife fell apart.
“She starts going on about how she felt trapped and lost herself, wants to start getting her time back, and doing things she likes. Ok, cool,” he explained.
“She starts going out with her girlfriends, cocktail nights, concerts, restaurants, [and] sleepovers. Then its 3 day beach vacations. All of this is being spent with our money, while I’m staying home and [watching] the kid.”
“Fast forward about 2 years later, and we are just growing further apart because, shocker, all of her free time is with her friends. She approached me last year to try a separation, basically just defined space and boundaries in the home.”
He agreed, and then a month ago (marking a year out from when his wife initially addressed separating), his wife asked for the separation once more.
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Except, his wife currently wants an actual separation, and not just the lighter version she requested earlier. While asking for this, his wife stated that she no longer loves him the same way that he loves her, and he’s not supportive.
Important side note: his wife gets 80% of his salary to spend on bills and whatever she pleases, while he only keeps 20% of his paycheck.
It has occurred to him that his wife is spending his money like crazy, as their savings account isn’t close to what it should be after paying all their expenses.
“So I start thinking, she’s spending our money on her lifestyle. Shes taking our time for her lifestyle. I am supporting her; she gets to do whatever she wants while I’m home watching the kid,” he added.
“With this in mind, and it was uncomfortable because I don’t want to come across as financially abusive, but I told her this time I am switching around the deposits. She will get 50% of all our shared costs, and the rest stays with me.”
“She…FREAKS OUT. Like 30 minutes [of] nonstop screaming at me. Going on about how she is being punished for being honest with me [about] her feelings, how she now hates me. Am I making the right decision to take a stand financially here?”
He does think that he can finally enjoy his own money and spend it on things he likes, as he hasn’t done that in years. Additionally, by withholding his cash from his wife, it will help her to finally see that he has been supportive all along…she’s just been taking advantage of him.
And then there’s the fact that he’s looking forward to being freer financially, which will help him make important choices about his own future.
“BTW, we make almost the same salary-wise, so it’s not like she’s going to be resorting to only rice for meals. She will have the same excess income I will,” he concluded.
It’s great that he stood up for himself, but he needs to take it a step further and divorce her. I don’t understand how he can stay married to a woman like this when all she wants is to use him for free childcare and spend his money.
What advice do you have for him?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
