How are you supposed to recover from your spouse’s affair when the person who hurt you keeps proving they haven’t actually changed?
This woman’s husband cheated on her, and it’s still a pretty fresh wound in their marriage, in that they have not managed to overcome the pain of his infidelity just yet.
Recently, her husband attended a party outside of their town, and three days later, she realized his affair partner was also there after she saw a video of this woman shared on social media.
Apparently, her husband has been terrified of her reaction if he told her that his affair partner was one of the partygoers, but she uncovered the truth without him owning up to it.
Her husband hugged his affair partner and had a full-blown conversation with her, too. He didn’t tell this woman that they had both gone to his adult child’s wedding, and instead, he conveniently left her out of that storyline.
“She told him she missed talking to him, and he said, ‘Well, we can only be friends now.’ I have previously discussed with him what would happen if he saw her socially,” she explained.
“He said he would avoid her, and although it would be awkward, he would not talk to her and not hug her. He volunteered this, and I expressed I am not okay with him being friends with her or ever hugging her.”
“The AP is his ex, and we have been together 13 years. He has said it’s not in his nature to cut someone off. He gets mad if I say, too bad, because you [messed] up. He stopped couples therapy two months ago after I found his secret phone, [which] he was using to stay in contact with her. I then moved out two months later.”
Her husband has asked for them to return to couples therapy following the party, and they are set to go in just a couple of days, but now she wants to back out of putting in the work.
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She’s told her husband from the day she found out about his affair that she will never accept him being friends with his affair partner, and she’s pushed for him to cut contact with this woman.
In light of what happened at the party, she’s no longer interested in being with her husband, in working towards reconciliation, or in fixing their marriage.
“I think I am done. I have been hoping he would [come back to reality], but he just wants to do whatever…he wants, obviously. I am just so exhausted,” she continued.
“I am going to the couple’s therapy appointment, but [I] have very little hope this will work out. I am devastated, but not in crisis mode like I have been for the first 6 months (it has been 8 months).”
Eight months of pain, a secret phone, moving out, and now this? The most heartbreaking part to me is that her husband volunteered a promise he had no intention of keeping.
He told her exactly what she needed to hear and then did the opposite the moment she wasn’t in the room, standing there with him. I agree with her evaluation of her husband: he just wants to do whatever he feels like without taking her into consideration, and I’m afraid you can’t fix that level of selfishness.
Her husband just can’t get out of his own way or prioritize her over the other woman, so it is time for her to file for divorce, because he’s doing a terrible job of pretending he’s interested in paying for his sins and saving their marriage.
What advice do you have for her? Is it ever realistic to expect someone to maintain a full no-contact boundary with an affair partner, or is that an unreasonable ask?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
