Fertility is such a sensitive subject, and if you couldn’t have children, but your spouse switched up on you and pushed you to agree to let them use a donor against your wishes, how would you feel?
This 30-year-old man became sterile back in his teens after battling cancer. When he met his 29-year-old wife a decade ago, he was honest about not being able to have children.
He did tell her that he was interested in building his own family one day through adoption and fostering, but that he was not ok with having a male donor help him create a child.
His wife mentioned that it was something she could get on board with, but questioned him about why he felt that way, so he did tell her.
His wife acknowledged that if she was sterile, she would feel the same way as him. Anyway, after they got married, they didn’t rush into starting a family and simply enjoyed being with one another.
He and his wife didn’t have a timeline for adding kids to the mix, but a year ago, they began having more serious discussions. They also attended some foster information evenings and were close to kickstarting that journey.
“Then six months ago she told me she didn’t want to raise someone else’s child and wanted a child of her own. She said we could use a friend or family member as a donor,” he explained.
“Or we could use a…bank, but that was how she wanted us to have a family. She told me fostering and adopting [were] no longer happening. I said okay, but I was not on board with…donation either.”
He suggested that they go see a marriage counselor to help them work through their issues, and his wife said yes for a week. But ever since then, she’s been furiously lashing out at him on nearly a daily basis.
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“She also changed her mind about marriage counseling, and she told me I was selfish and juvenile, and my reasons for wanting to adopt and foster over using a sperm donor were pathetic and not good enough reasons to deny her a bio child,” he added.
He has moved into their guest bedroom in light of his wife’s fury and brought up again that they need to seek counseling, or they’re headed for a divorce.
His wife hasn’t budged, while all of their loved ones are pushing him to fight for her since they are in love and their goals for the future align.
However, he thinks their goals have clearly changed, given how the conversations about kids went.
“But with family and friends telling me to do something I don’t feel is a good idea (stay and fight even when nothing is improving), I’m struggling with everything,” he concluded.
There is no compromise here, and how his wife is treating him is horrible. She already said she was aligned with his plans for kids, and it’s not fair that she changed her mind and is being hostile towards him for that.
Maybe she hoped that he would change his mind about a male donor after they settled down, otherwise I can’t quite understand the hostility here.
I don’t see how counseling can help save their marriage. I think it’s time for them to go their separate ways, as I don’t see another path forward that will make them both happy.
What advice do you have for him?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
