If your mom brought you to family therapy under the guise of fixing your relationship, only to have her roll out the waterworks and try to guilt-trip you into getting what she wanted, would you be done with her?
This 18-year-old girl and her 38-year-old mom have had a tough relationship ever since her parents got divorced 11 years ago. As soon as her mom and dad announced their split, her mom moved out and got her own apartment.
She disliked that her mom expected her to stay in her apartment with a babysitter when she got home from school, as she preferred to stay with her dad.
Her mom informed her that she didn’t want to have to speak to her dad every single day. Several months later, her mom started dating a 44-year-old man, Stu, and she ended up marrying him.
“We both handled it badly. I yelled and cried because I wanted her and Dad back together. She pushed me to love the guy, and she kept asking me to look at him as another dad, and she kept trying to make me okay with him babysitting me when she was at work,” she explained.
Her mom pushed her to do activities alone with Stu to make them bond when she was still trying to get over the divorce. As soon as the divorce was finalized, her mom moved Stu in.
Her mom got mad at her for calling her dad when she was at her apartment. She would demand to know why she didn’t speak to Stu instead of her dad, and they would fight about it.
When her mom got married to Stu, she asked her to be his Best Girl (you know, instead of a Best Man), and she declined. Her mom tried to force her to, and so she threatened to yell at the wedding and ruin it.
“Soon after my mom remarried, my dad dated someone briefly. He saw I wasn’t taking it well, so he put his love life on hold until I was older,” she added.
“My mom got very weird about him dating, and I remember telling her she was dumb, and she replaced him, so maybe he should replace her, too. Mom told me Stu was better, and she asked me why I wouldn’t let him in.”
“I told her he was dumb and I didn’t want him, and I was never going to let him be my dad, too. This fight happened over many years, and one day I told her that I wish Dad had found me another mom, so then it would be totally fair. My mom had some kind of episode over that, and she thought it was cruel for me to say that to her face.”
A couple of months after her mom’s meltdown, her dad took her mom to court for full custody, which was granted because that was what she wanted.
From then on, she was only required to spend four hours a day on alternating Saturdays with her mom, and she didn’t have to speak to Stu or sleep over.
Her mom dragged Stu along for a handful of their visits, and she left the meeting places. For an entire year, she didn’t see her mom once, even though her mom pushed to spend time with her; she was done.
Her mom eventually understood that she meant it when her birthday rolled around, and she chose not to celebrate the day with her mom.
Her mom requested that she attend family therapy with her, and she agreed, so they began going more than a month ago. The first couple of sessions were just her and her mom discussing their sides of the story, but in the latest session, her mom attempted to guilt her into considering Stu more than her spouse.
“My mom broke down, and she told me she had only been with dad before Stu, and she couldn’t stay with him anymore, and she only knew one person,” she said.
“She told me she didn’t want to lose her family, though, so she wanted Stu to be my dad as well, so it felt like we had a perfect family.”
“When I didn’t rush to say anything, she started crying harder and repeating over and over how she just wanted us to be a normal family, but it couldn’t be with dad, and how it kills her that dad can date now and have relationships, but I won’t let her be fully happy in hers.”
She questioned her mom about whether she would find it acceptable for her to call her dad’s next girlfriend mom, and her mom quit crying instantly, then left the session early, but not before completely ignoring their therapist.
Her mom is furious and said she watched her pour her heart out and sob, and still will not give in to what she wants. This has made her question her relationship with her mom.
To be fair, she was happiest in the one year she didn’t speak to her than trying to force a bond with her.
She should call it quits on her mom after this one, because her mom is wildly manipulative. It’s a bad sign that she felt the happiest in the entire year she didn’t have to interact with her mom.
Her mom has this idea of a picture-perfect family, and she’s more invested in making that work than caring about her feelings, which isn’t acceptable.
Thank goodness she at least has one amazing parent on her side, and that’s really all she needs: her dad!
What advice do you have for her?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
