Nothing tests your boundaries quite like an ex-spouse who wants the freedom of the single life but the security of a devoted spouse.
So if the person you were in the middle of divorcing asked you to help them raise someone else’s child and attend their baby shower, would you?
This 36-year-old man separated from his 30-year-old wife, Mindy, 18 months ago, and they have an 8-year-old daughter together, while Mindy has also acted as a mom to his 13-year-old daughter from a prior relationship.
Their split was pretty much a joint decision, and although he and Mindy are not officially divorced yet, he’s done with her and refers to her as his ex-wife already.
The reason why he and Mindy separated was that she wanted to be free to sleep with other men. They did try this arrangement, and it did not work out, and that kicked off their separation. Prior to separating, he strictly stuck to monogamy, while Mindy did not.
“Mindy was seeing ‘Chad,’ and once we separated, he became her primary partner while she continued having other flings. Ironically, Chad and Mindy…just cheated on each other constantly,” he explained.
Mindy and Chad’s relationship is checkered with every red flag you can come up with: money problems, lying, cheating, and toxic behaviors.
He hates Chad, as do his kids and Mindy’s family members. Despite that, his 8-year-old daughter is with Mindy for half of the time, while his oldest has cut Mindy out of her life and hasn’t said a word to her since she announced her pregnancy.
Throughout the last couple of months, he thinks Mindy has slipped into a narcissistic hole because she loves playing the victim, and if a situation won’t give her an advantage, she wants no part of it.
He spent nearly 13 years with Mindy and considered her his best friend. Following their separation, they have remained friendly with one another so their daughter doesn’t suffer. But that also means that Mindy tries to rope him into everything that’s going on with her life.
“Months ago, she talked about terminating the pregnancy. More recently, she’s talked about placing the baby for adoption. She regularly asks if I’ll help with childcare, support, and raising the baby,” he added.
“Her relationship with Chad is an exhausting roller coaster where she says she wants nothing to do with him, but she also doesn’t want to be alone raising the baby. It’s all incredibly chaotic, and honestly, I still have trouble wrapping my head around it.”
Now, Mindy is having her baby shower next month, and their daughter is thrilled to have a baby sibling, but his oldest still wants no part of this, and he can’t criticize her for that.
Mindy has asked him to come to the baby shower and also be present in the hospital when she gives birth. The best thing Mindy has asked is for him to actively help with the baby after he or she arrives.
There is a piece of him that would like to help with the baby in order to set a good example for his daughters, because he thinks it’s important for the girls to see that you can still be grown up and kind, even if your marriage ends in flames.
“But a much larger part of me feels like I’d be stepping back into a life I’ve spent the last 18 months trying to leave behind. I’d have to use PTO, spend the day surrounded by people I either don’t know or don’t particularly like, and celebrate a relationship I don’t support,” he continued.
“I don’t want to create unnecessary drama, and I would tell Mindy well before the shower that I won’t be attending, so she isn’t blindsided. I just don’t think going would be good for my mental health.”
“I fully intend to continue coparenting our daughter and supporting her excitement about becoming a big sister. But I don’t feel like attending my ex-wife’s baby shower or becoming part of her support system is my responsibility anymore.”
Oh, and there is absolutely no chance he is the father of Mindy’s baby, in case you were curious, because he had a procedure done to render him infertile, and he and Mindy were no longer hooking up when she did end up pregnant.
He’s left wondering if he would be a jerk to skip out on Mindy’s baby shower.
Wow, does Mindy want to have her cake and eat it, too! He’s no longer her husband (ok, yes, legally he is, but that will be coming to an end soon), but she still wants all of the benefits that come with a spouse.
I think Mindy realized that the grass is not greener on the other side with Chad; it’s dirt brown, and now it seems like she’s trying to get back together with him before the baby is here because he provides stability and safety.
What do you think?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
