Changing your mind about kids happens to some people, but having a surgical failure make the choice for you is a lot to come to terms with.
It’s the difference between deciding to jump into the deep end and being shoved in with your clothes still on. He went under the knife to guarantee that he wouldn’t have kids. Now, his wife is pregnant with twins, and he’s struggling with his new normal.
This 33-year-old man has a wife the same age as him, and they agreed to be childfree. Out of the blue, his wife got pregnant after he got snipped, and it failed.
His wife was carrying twins, and that made her change her mind about being a mom. She suddenly wanted to have the babies, and she wasn’t interested in terminating her pregnancy, which he credits to her having twins. If she had just one baby, he doesn’t think things would have played out like this.
“I was very unsure back then and was leaning towards childfree. I never wanted kids, and this sudden pregnancy was a huge shock for me. I was still trying to process everything,” he explained.
“Meanwhile, my wife gave me a few days to think, which was basically just more like time to agree with her decision. I agreed because I love my wife so much, and choosing to terminate the pregnancy would mean the end of our marriage. I didn’t want a divorce.”
“Anyway, we decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, and I got on board with it. My wife is 100% committed, and everyone in our families is extremely happy and excited. It’s the first twin pregnancy in the family, so everyone is over the moon and keeps checking up on us.”
He’s never witnessed his wife this overjoyed about babies, of all things. He feels like she’s a totally different woman, because a handful of months ago, she detested the concept of having children.
He’s stepping up, being there for his wife, getting her all of her favorite foods, giving her massages, and making sure she has what she wants, not just needs.
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He’s doing what he can to ensure she knows how much he loves her, but he isn’t feeling any kind of bond or connection to their babies on the way.
In a few months, his wife will be giving birth, and he’s worried he still will feel a disconnect with the twins when they’re finally here.
“I’m reading books about fatherhood, learning how to be a good dad and how to manage twins, and watching videos about post-pregnancy care for my wife and the babies,” he said.
“But something inside me just doesn’t feel emotionally attached. It feels like I’m doing all of this for love for my wife rather than doing [it] for my babies.”
“I know it’s too late to change anything now, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. I’m so stressed that I am not feeling the same kinda connection or excitement like other dads-to-be feel with their babies.”
He doesn’t hold a grudge against his wife for going back on their decision to be childfree, by the way. He’s actually thrilled that she’s so overjoyed.
However, with all of his loved ones so exhilarated about the twins, it makes him feel even worse about everything. He is terrified that he won’t be able to deal with two babies.
I think he needs to stop putting so much pressure on himself. It’s a lot to wrap your head around unexpectedly having a baby, let alone twins, when that wasn’t in your life plan.
He’s already showing up and being supportive, and that’s the most important next step. I know plenty of moms who don’t instantly bond with their babies, so he just needs to give himself more time and more grace. Babies are a big deal. He has every right to be anxious.
What advice do you have for him? Do you think there’s a chance he’s overwhelmed about having twins and not one baby?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
