Recovering from infidelity is messy, nonlinear, and deeply painful. Anyone who has been through it knows that the road back to each other is rarely a straight one. But what happens when the person who caused the damage starts centering on their own pain in the healing process?
It was a year ago that this woman’s husband launched an affair with his coworker, and while it started out as strictly emotional, things got hot and heavy at a work party, and her husband physically cheated.
It upended her life, and things have not gone back to normal for her. She’s turned into an anxious wreck who constantly nags her husband.
In the three months after she uncovered the affair, she questioned her husband ceaselessly, even after he conveyed to her that he needed to catch a break. She was unable to give that to him after being so betrayed.
“It was the hardest time in our marriage and in my identity. It’s like for years you tell yourself you are a wife of a man you’re so proud of and in love with, and to have it shattered and make you question, was this even real? How did we get to the point where you felt things for someone else when you had a loving wife back home?” she wondered.
Here there are with a whole year after the affair, and there has been headway. But in the last two weeks, she’s backslid into the way she felt when she first discovered that her husband had cheated, and it’s not helping the reconciliation process.
In their latest appointment with their marriage counselor, her husband was told to organize his thoughts and give them to her in a letter.
Their marriage counselor reasoned that if she could see things from her husband’s perspective, it could give her a newfound appreciation for the man she married.
Additionally, their marriage counselor said she might end up developing new ways to cope with the infidelity when she goes into a downward spiral instead of unloading on her husband.
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Well, her husband did his homework and wrote her a letter, but she was caught off guard by the contents.
Her husband began by addressing how he’s been the cheater and also the betrayed spouse, and was burdened by both kinds of pain, as in his first marriage, he was cheated on.
He acknowledged that it’s wretched to be the betrayed partner, and he apologized for hurting her while saying she’s the human he loves more than anyone.
Her husband said he stares at himself in the mirror and hates himself deeply. He’s reminded all the time of his infidelity, and he thinks he’s done everything possible to make amends.
He wrote that his needs and wants will forever be second to hers, and he’s not entitled to be irritated by that anymore. He’s not allowed to open up about his struggles for fear of being the villain.
“Always the bad guy… no matter how hard I try to change and show that I have grown and want to be a better person and partner for you,” her husband noted.
“Having something to celebrate and knowing that inevitably that good moment will be tainted as well, because the good moments seem to trigger something in you that makes you want to remind me what a monster I once was. Always feeling like you deserve better than me, and that you settled for staying with me.”
He got dark and said it would have been better off if he had passed away, so she would be free to grieve and move on. He’s afraid that one day, he will come home to an empty house and she will leave him, even though he’s bent over backwards to make her happy.
But yet, he blames her for making him seem like a failure all over again, and that’s not a label he can overcome. Her husband almost sought praise for owning up to the affair and telling her the following morning, without sparing her the ugly details.
Despite all that, he feels as if there’s a scarlet letter engraved on him, and it’s a lot to drag around in his opinion.
“You and I have a great marriage, stronger than ever. However, I often wonder if the shame of what I did will eventually become too hard to carry,” her husband continued.
“What you don’t understand is that you told me to be this way; you have ‘trained’ me to be this way after my infidelity, wanting to make sure I never forget what a monster I was, wanting me always to have it there; the shame – in the forefront of I am, because it makes YOU feel safer.”
“Not saying it’s intentional, I don’t believe it is. However, the dynamic is created, and then you wonder why I can’t just be happy and stay. Well, it’s because the shame you wish and hope that I always carry sometimes becomes too heavy, too big to carry, and you expect me to carry it alone…”
“I’m sorry you are at this point. Maybe…try for a while to allow me to be the one whose needs are put first. Maybe it’s time to focus on MY healing.”
She’s left wondering how on earth she can live with this letter, because it’s burned into her brain, and she feels like her husband stabbed her in the back all over again.
She’s flooded with anger that her husband thought this was an acceptable letter to write, as it paints him as a victim. She gets that their marriage counselor said it should be uncensored, but she wishes her husband had shown some restraint.
The letter is a slap in the face. It does mark the first time he’s said such cruel words to her, and she’s irritated by the sheer audacity of her husband.
I mean, I think the letter is divorce-worthy, and the ending does make it seem like her husband is ready to leave her. It’s definitely not fair that he’s saying everything is her fault for not being over his affair a year later, as healing takes time and isn’t linear.
I get that the letter was meant to build a bridge between them, but instead, it imploded their connection. I don’t think their marriage is worth saving. Time to pull the plug on the life support.
What advice do you have for her? Is there room for a cheating spouse to demand that their own healing become the priority in the marriage?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
