Say No To The Bare Minimum: How To Know When You’re Not A Priority And Escape This Cycle In Your Relationship
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer, Katharina Buczek.
This year, we are saying no to the bare minimum and the misconception that we can change our partners by giving them bountiful love and respect. The truth is that this idea could not be more wrong.
If you have ever been in a lopsided relationship before, then you know exactly what I am talking about. Too often, people believe that they will reap exactly what they sow in a relationship.
This leads countless people, oftentimes women, to dive into the relationship full-force– spending all of their mental energy, heart, and drive on trying to make the union work. Then, at the end of the day, it is common for women to expect their partners to do the same.
Unfortunately, though, the complete opposite tends to happen. In fact, your partner’s lack of effort has actually been validated– since you showed them that you would still prioritize them over anything in spite of the unequal treatment.
So, you will end up continuing to starve for more after being thrown the bare minimum time and time again. And no amount of work you put in will even the playing field.
This is obviously a really upsetting conclusion to come to, especially if you truly love your partner and want to make it work with them. But you also have to realize that it is not okay to be treated like an afterthought.
This is the year to make that change. So, let’s break down how to recognize when you are not a priority in your partner’s life and what you can do about it.
How To Know You Are Not A Priority
The first tell-tale sign that your partner does not view you as a priority is if they are “hot and cold.” In other words, are they always in and out of your life, unreliable, or sending some mixed messages? If so, you are not at the top of your partner’s list.
racool_studio – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual person
When a man seriously likes– or even loves– a woman, he will show investment and consistency. So, if there is any question about his motives, you should accept the truth.
Next, if you are always the one trying to make plans– whether that be for a cozy night in or a date night out– and your partner can never give you a definite “yes” or “no,” that is a bad sign.
This is especially true if your partner frequently reaches out to you and makes plans at the last minute. You are no one’s second choice, but with this behavior, you are being treated like one.
Going hand in hand with the last point, if you take care of most of the communication in the relationship, then you are definitely not viewed as a priority. You should not have to be the only person who calls, texts, or plans date ideas.
Finally, if your partner never really does anything aside from show up for hangouts and “go through the motions,” then he is not really emotionally invested in you.
Partners are supposed to make each other feel special– on birthdays and anniversaries as well as during day-to-day life.
If you feel like he never goes out of his way to show his appreciation or make you feel special, then that is a good indicator that you are not really at the top of his mind.
How To Escape The Bare Minimum
First of all, if you recognize that you are not being prioritized in a relationship, then it is important to know that you have every right to leave. Never let the fear of the unknown or the fear of being alone hold you back from cutting things off.
Instead, you need to know your worth and values and stick to the standards that you have for your relationship. Then, if a guy or gal is not meeting them, you have complete authority to prioritize yourself and end the relationship.
It is also crucial to note that if a partner knows you will not leave, then there is virtually zero motivation for them to work on the relationship.
It is extremely sad– I know. But human nature is to seek out the maximum reward for the tiniest amount of effort. So, if you are consistently giving your all while your partner sits back, relaxes, and knows you are not going anywhere, then there is no incentive to change.
Aside from leaving altogether, another way to deal with an imbalanced relationship is to work on growing the depth of your connection.
Do you feel like you and your partner are kind of “surface level?” Do you feel like your partner never really opens up or invites you into his heart? In other words, is your partner really themselves around you, or do they still have their guard up?
If you have not established a deep enough connection yet– getting to know each other as no one else does– then you can work on that. The important thing to remember, though, is that only individuals can change themselves.
So, focus on dropping your own guard and opening up in a deep way. Work on connecting with your partner, starting with your own experiences, and perhaps this will make the process less scary for your partner and encourage them to do the same.
Another, and much more obvious way, to balance a lopsided relationship is by just being honest. Too often, women are terrified to speak up and lay their needs out on the table because they are afraid of seeming clingy or needy.
However, let’s clear up that major misconception. If you accept what you don’t want in fear of starting conflict or rocking the boat, then you are being needy without even realizing it. You have (falsely) internalized a feeling that you need your partner and their validation– no matter how they treat you.
Instead of falling down that rabbit hole, try being upfront and just telling your partner what you want. Remember to keep your cool, remain confident, and refrain from playing the blame game, but don’t be afraid to rip the bandaid off and set your expectations in stone.
Finally, one of the most effective ways to start evening the playing field in your relationship is by pulling back. If you are constantly the one calling, texting, or making plans, simply lay off the gas a bit and wait for your partner to come to you.
Yes, this can be a painstaking process that requires a lot of patience and self-restraint. But the results are priceless.
Either your partner will realize what is happening and recognize that he needs to step it up to make some changes. Or, your partner’s lack of effort will continue– resulting in a drifting relationship.
While the latter can be very upsetting– and it may even be tempting to just reach back out again– it is honestly one of the best wake-up calls you can get. If you go through this, then you have confirmation that your partner does not prioritize you or value making the relationship work on their end. And that is the exact time you need to leave and start focusing on just yourself.
Now, it is also crucial to point out that throughout any of these approaches, you should be prioritizing yourself the entire time. Attend that workout class, go out with friends, or do whatever you want that makes you feel happy and fulfilled.
Waiting on the sidelines will, first, damage your mental health. And second, it will make your partner think you will just wait for them forever.
So, remember to always make your happiness a top goal and fill up your schedule with whatever brings you joy. If your partner rises to the occasion, then you know you two are a solid match. If not, then you can have peace of mind knowing that your partner was just not in it for the long run.
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