4 Things You Should Definitely Sit Down And Talk To Your Partner About Before Getting Engaged
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer.
For many, getting engaged means diving 150% into wedding planning. It’s a crazy and exciting time of your life to be ready to take that next step in your relationship. Getting engaged is the first step in two lives becoming one.
Many people are looking for the secret sauce to manifest the perfect relationship, but time and again, there are three factors determining a long-lasting successful relationship: communication, trust, and consistency.
Of course, there are many more than just those three ingredients, but these are the major ones that determine success. With that said, if you are looking at taking the next step in your relationship and getting engaged, having the right conversations before taking that step is crucial.
You want to ensure you and your partner are on the same page before committing to getting engaged and setting a date. So, take a look at these four topics you and your partner should consider talking about before shopping for an engagement ring.
#1: Money/Finances
This topic is challenging for many couples to talk about. However, if you’re planning on building a life with this person, you must talk about money. This is better to discuss sooner rather than later if engagement is on the table.
Financial issues are a prevalent reason couples end up in therapy sessions. Many report frequent arguments over spending habits, financial priorities, expectations not being met, and other financial strains.
The sooner you sit down with your partner and discuss finances, the better. Make sure you approach the subject gently so as not to put anyone on the defensive, especially if you have a huge difference in salaries. The goals are not to money shame or money blame anyone but rather set the stage for how finances will be handled as a couple.
Africa Studio – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual people
Some talking points for finances can include:
-Your personal feelings and priorities about money
-What you expect from your partner in terms of finances
-Any debt you both have
-Any investment plans you both have (401K, stocks, etc.)
-Budget expectations
-If you think individual or joint accounts are the way to go
-How much money you both can spend without consulting one other
-The possibility of a prenup
-If you intend to set aside money for children, future plans, retirement, etc.
Anything that remotely has to do with money is worth discussing. If you’ve already had this talk, make sure you set aside some time at least monthly to have a money check-in and address any issues before they become a fight. Better to talk about money too much than not enough.
#2: Having Children
If you are planning on getting engaged, this is a serious topic that should be addressed. Each of us has our idea of what the future looks like, but once you decide to become engaged, there is another human being with their version of the future. So, first, you need to talk about when/if children are something you two want.
Some other children-related topics you can talk about include:
-If one of you already has children, what does custody look like in the future?
-If one of you already has children, do you want more children, or are you open to more children in the future?
-If neither of you has children, do you want them?
-What will the plan be if you want children, but one/both of you are infertile? Is adoption, IVF, or surrogacy on the table?
-Who will be the primary caregiver once the baby arrives?
-What will your parenting styles look like?
-How will you both balance co-parenting with careers?
The more discussions about children and raising children you can find common ground with early, the less likely that disagreements about this topic will poison the relationship.
#3: Handling Conflict
No matter how blissful the start of a relationship is, disagreements and conflicts will inevitably pop up from time to time. However, what you fight about isn’t nearly as important as how you fight about it in the grand scheme of a successful relationship. How you look at conflict and navigate it can either drive a wedge or bring you closer together.
Look at disagreements as a chance to learn even more about your partner. After all, the strongest bonds are forged during hard times, not good times.
Discuss how you want each other to communicate during a disagreement. Remember that you are a team, so it’s the two of you vs. the problem, not you vs. your partner.
Teammates come together during adversity. If one/both of has difficulty slowing down during an argument or have a habit of saying things they don’t mean in the heat of the moment, consider finding a therapist or relationship coach to teach you healthier communication skills.
#4: Fears/Doubts About Your Partner
Nobody likes to admit it, but on some level, most people experience fear or insecurity about some aspect of their partner once things get serious and engagement/marriage is on the table. Instead of letting those doubts and fears fester, consider asking each other these questions:
-Is there anything about my lifestyle that bothers you?
-Is there anything from my past that still worries you?
-What does the thought of being with me forever do to you?
-What do you think I could do to cause you to resent me in the future?
-What would I have to do to drive you away from me hypothetically?
-Do I engage in any behavior patterns that make you uncomfortable?
Ask the tough questions before they become problems. Use these topics and set your relationship up for success.
If true crime defines your free time, this is for you: join Chip Chick’s True Crime Tribe
Sign up for Chip Chick’s newsletter and get stories like this delivered to your inbox.
More About:Advice