Why We Tend To Hate Our Partner’s Exes, And How To Stop These Negative Emotions From Ruining Our Own Relationship
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer, Katharina Buczek.
If you claim to have never hated one of your partner’s exes, you are probably lying. You may have never even met an ex before– and they very well may be the sweetest person in the world. Yet, for some reason, we tend to hate the people who were with our partners in the past.
With the Hailey Bieber and Selena Gomez drama dominating our social feeds, it has become clear that the phenomenon affects even the most famous celebs, too.
So, why do we really hate our partner’s exes? Unfortunately, it is usually more of an “us” problem.
Why We Hate Our Partner’s Exes
The truth is that underneath our hatred, there are usually a few main reasons why you automatically feel disdain for your partner’s exes: insecurity, competition, and jealousy.
Let’s start with insecurity. If you tend to be an insecure person, that means you are more likely to idealize other people. And when it comes to your partner’s ex, you may think of them as a smart, beautiful, and generally perfect person who, in your mind, you just can’t compare to.
This can lead to feelings of unworthiness, or you may even start to feel threatened by your partner’s ex– questioning why your partner would pick you or if they really even love you.
Another reason that may be at the root of your hatred is competition. In your subconscious, you may feel like you have to compete with the ex– proving you are more worthy and superior in all different areas of life.
Pixel-Shot – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual person
Now, some of the ways you choose to “prove” your superiority may not come naturally to you. Or, they just might not be who you truly are as a person. For instance, going out of your way to dress to the nines or complete acts of service anytime you can.
So, since the need to complete these behaviors is primarily driven by this (fake) competition, you may start to resent your partner’s ex. And as time goes on, this resentment will only mount into hatred.
The third and final reason you might hate your ex is if you just feel jealous.
Jealousy is a common feeling, especially when you do not feel secure in your relationships. So, take a moment to reflect and ask yourself what your partner is doing– or not doing– to make you feel stable and steady.
If you realize that your partner is not really making you feel secure as a couple, you might just be falsely projecting your feelings of jealousy onto your partner’s ex rather than addressing your own partner’s behaviors and triggering actions.
And over time, this lack of security will only fuel more distrust, jealousy, and, ultimately, hatred.
How To Quit Letting The Hate Ruin Your Relationship
If you allow your hatred of your partner’s ex to continue, it can spiral out of control– taking up space in your own relationship and damaging your connection with your partner.
So, to put a stop to these harmful and unnecessary feelings, you have to practice some self-awareness. First, recognize that the less you know about a person, the easier it is to make assumptions and judgments and create some image or idea of them that is likely false.
Second, whenever you recognize yourself feeling the hatred bubbling up, take a moment to stop and ask yourself a few questions. For instance, “What is triggering these feelings?” “Are they logical?” and “Am I creating an idea of my partner’s ex that is false?”
You can then openly communicate your feelings with your partner to gain their support. This can also be an excellent way to set boundaries with your partner to make sure their ex is left in the past.
If you don’t want to be a part of the comparison game, for instance, you could tell your partner, “I don’t want to be compared to your ex.”
Similarly, if you don’t want to hear about their ex at all, you could tell your partner, “I don’t feel comfortable listening to stories about past experiences you shared with your ex.”
By being open and working on practicing self-awareness, you can let go of the hold that hatred can have over you.
It’s also crucial to note that, yes, these feelings are totally normal. So, no, it is not wrong or unnatural to have negative feelings about your partner’s ex.
At the end of the day, though, it is important that you confront these feelings head-on and work to mitigate them as much as you can. That way, your own peace of mind is not sacrificed, and you can get back to focusing on what really matters: your own relationship with your partner.
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