These Three Dating Downfalls Might Be Keeping You Single: Let’s Fix Them
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer, Katharina Buczek.
With situationships and casual romances becoming more and more common, many people today are actually happy to be single.
But, for those who have been in search of an exclusive partner for quite some time, their singleness is exhausting. You might be able to relate– going on date after date and never finding any semblance of a possible relationship.
Perhaps you find something wrong with every person you meet. Or, you just keep holding out for someone “better.” After all, there’s plenty of fish in the sea, right?
Well, I’m here to tell you a tough truth: you aren’t always completely blameless for your single status.
Yes, some guys might be duds. Others may have different interests or just straight-up ghost you after a seemingly great night out.
But, if you are repeatedly hitting a wall in your dating life, you may have to practice some self-reflection– because relationships are a two-way street, and you might just be fighting against a “you” problem.
I know this is hard to hear. However, the good news is that the sooner you recognize your dating downfalls, the quicker you can rectify them and get back out there.
So, here are three of the most common reasons why you are probably still single and how you can fix them.
nuzza11 – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual person
1. Neediness
When we were kids, we learned the difference between “wants” and “needs.” We might have wanted concert tickets to see our favorite artist or a brand new pair of shoes that “everyone” at school seemed to be wearing.
But all we really needed was food, water, shelter, and people around us who cared for us.
While this example may seem very basic, it is a perfect metaphor for one dating flaw: neediness.
When someone acts needy, they often feel incomplete– trying to fill an emotional void with male validation or co-dependency.
Needing a relationship could not be more different than wanting one, though. And potential partners will likely run for the hills if they realize you aren’t in it for the latter.
Potential partners hope to feel wanted and appreciated for exactly who they are. When neediness comes into play, though, they might feel pressured to constantly make you feel good or fill some space in your life– which just isn’t fair.
This can make a relationship feel more like a chore and push your partner to believe they are just there to serve you.
So, if you realize that you might exhibit some needy tendencies, it is time to assess your own sense of worth. Oftentimes, people who are needy suffer from low self-esteem and believe that a relationship will fill that hole.
But relationships only amplify issues– not make them disappear. This means that if you feel dissatisfied before a relationship, you will likely feel the same way during your partnership.
So the first thing you can do while single is work on a different kind of relationship– the one you have with yourself. Focus on healing your own mental health and feeling good about yourself without anyone else’s help.
Then, once you feel like you are in a solid mental state, you can jump back into the dating pool– and for the right reasons this time.
2. Pickiness
Okay, we would all probably love it if our childhood heartthrob rode into town, confessed his love, and swept us away to live in a gorgeous home with everything we could ever possibly need. But that’s a fantasy that will never happen for 99.99% of us.
So, what is a girl to do? Well, for starters, lower your expectations.
I am not saying to set the bar too low. I mean, men still shouldn’t deserve us if they do the literal bare minimum. But we do have to strike a balance and find that “happy medium.”
On social media and TV, we are constantly shown curated, hyper-perfect people who appear to “have it all.” We have been fed impractical romance plotlines that have pushed us to “hype up” love and relationships to a point that is just not realistic.
For instance, is a “spark” really the main indicator that we should continue in a relationship? Probably not. Yet, so many people ditch potential partners after a first date if there is not enough intensity or romantic tension.
The idea of “not settling” has also been seriously glamorized in modern society. And I get it: women should not accept anything less than they deserve. But, sometimes, superficiality invades this idea and causes women to write off guys left and right who have real flaws like the rest of us.
So, while it is completely okay– and honestly a good thing– to have standards, it is also important to have a bit of flexibility. Remember that literally no one is perfect, including you, which means that your real “dream guy” will also have his own downfalls.
In order to figure out your own standards and make sure they are realistic, you can start by writing out a list of non-negotiables. Maybe your list will include certain moral values or life goals. But what your list probably shouldn’t include is the way your dream guy dresses, how much money he makes, or if he has a six-pack.
At the end of the day, you can think about how you would want to be assessed by a potential partner. If you wouldn’t want someone to disregard you because of your wardrobe or haircut, don’t do the same.
3. Your Fears Are Tripping You Up
In order to protect ourselves, we all have self-ingrained filter systems. These systems help us analyze situations and understand where we stand in relation to other people. They are also usually fueled by fears or threats.
For instance, if your biggest fear is rejection, you may be on the lookout for it everywhere you go. Are your friends including you in hangouts? Do your coworkers genuinely sound interested in what you have to say? Are your dates coming onto you hard enough?
But, this filter system can sometimes feed a self-fulfilling prophecy that is seriously damaging.
If you are constantly afraid of being rejected, for example, you may not even be able to realize when people are doing the opposite. Instead, you might just focus on the one person who has rejected you in spite of all the other potential suitors who are ready and waiting to move forward with you.
So, in order to start seeing the good around you instead of catastrophizing your own love life, you have to remain grounded. Stop letting your subconscious thoughts win and tune into what’s really going on. Recognize and acknowledge when people are interested or show care, and say to hell with the rest.
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