Her Husband Gave Her An Ultimatum To Quit Her Job, Even Though She’s The Breadwinner
Back when this 36-year-old woman met her 38-year-old husband, she fell in love with him quickly. She was young, had just graduated from college, and her family was really putting pressure on her to be successful, though she was already getting tired of the rat race.
In contrast, her husband was an artist living on the cheap. During the first several years that she and her husband were together, everything was incredible, and they were living like bohemians.
However, her husband went to grad school, and she supported him. It was then that things got rough for a couple of years in a row.
But after her husband completed his degree, they settled down, got married, had two children, and purchased a tiny house that needed a lot of work, thanks to the inheritance she got from her grandma.
She and her husband would joke about her being the breadwinner while he was the struggling artist, and they were cool with that.
They were the best of friends, he was a wonderful dad, and they were so incredibly happy together.
Since they didn’t have a mortgage, they had a lot of financial freedom until they welcomed their kids, and then the expenses skyrocketed.
“With hindsight, I realize that part of choosing him as a husband was to rebel against my strict upbringing or to marry someone opposite to my father,” she explained.
“I accept those psychological components, and in another life, maybe I would be wiser to choose someone more compatible with me on a practical level. But now we are a family, and we still adore each other, and I don’t believe anyone is 100% compatible anyway. I am willing to put in the effort to make this work.”
Daria – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual person
“Back to our story – I floated around different unchallenging jobs but around the time I became pregnant with my second, I got a huge opportunity in a start-up. This involves managing accounts in many foreign countries and quite a bit of stress, but it’s well-paid (more than we ever made combined) and super interesting work.”
She has to get an early start at work every single day, but she is able to get off work and get their kids at 4 p.m.
This means her husband is left caring for their kids in the mornings since she is at work when they’re all getting ready.
When she accepted her position, her husband was not happy at all. Her husband had to quit teaching full-time at the art school he was at, but she thought that was fine since he didn’t exactly love his job.
Her husband also was paid terribly, and she knew the job was nothing but a dead-end for him. So, they made an agreement that since she was going to be making a ton more money, he could teach part-time at the school and open up his own studio to spend more time on his art.
Her husband always dreamed of his own studio, and she figured this would make him happy. This also entailed her husband having to be the sole parent to pick up the kids when they were sick at school.
“A lot of couples have this kind of arrangement when their kids are little; generally, women are the more flexible parent, so the higher-earner can focus on their job,” she said.
“From day 1, this situation has made him unhappy, and it’s just getting worse. He has felt so insecure and so resentful that he takes it out on me. He blames me constantly for working too much, being too stressed, not being available, and not being supportive of him. I’ll admit that it’s harder to be attracted to a jealous, insecure man.”
“I feel like I have been extremely patient, trying to fill everyone’s needs…trying to end my workdays early to be with family and not talk about work, and canceling almost all work trips for close to 2 years. But the harsh reality is that my job is stressful, my husband doesn’t contribute financially, I still do a LOT of housework and childcare, and on top of that, he’s incredibly unhappy. If I think about it too hard, I feel used and angry.”
She suspects that the root of everything lies with her husband feeling like he’s a failure as a professional artist, and he is unknowingly taking this all out on her.
A year ago, her husband spent some time with a career coach, and she was hopeful that this would inspire her husband to apply to a couple of better jobs, but that never materialized.
Instead, her husband took their savings and started up his own business, which has yet to take off and go somewhere.
Her husband has asked her to help him grow his business, but she’s too exhausted to help, which makes him feel unloved and unsupported.
Then, earlier this month, she had to leave for an 8-day long work trip, which was the first trip she agreed to go on for her job.
She made sure to hire a nanny to help her husband out with the kids while she was gone. She also went grocery shopping and packed their fridge and freezer, so her husband wouldn’t have to worry about that, and then she left.
Everything was actually alright, until her youngest got sick and nobody in the house was getting any sleep.
Her husband called her and said out of the blue he wasn’t able to live like this anymore before accusing her of no longer being the same woman she was back when he met her.
What this all boiled down to was that her husband gave her an ultimatum: quit her job. She was shocked, she was heartbroken, and she was furious that her husband had the audacity to make her feel bad about doing everything to financially support their family.
Yes, she can quit her job for something that demands less of her, but this would mean living more frugally like they did in the beginning and taking their youngest out of daycare.
This all makes her feel terrible and as if her husband is trying to drag her down and prevent her from being successful.
“That’s the part that makes me sick – him not wanting me to be successful at what I do,” she continued.
“I look at all my coworkers on this trip who also have young kids, and I know their partners are back home, understanding that this is just part of life and work. I don’t know what to say or how to say it. When he tells me he feels hurt, I feel sorry for him but also very angry. I want to blurt out, “Get over it, life is hard, get a job, grow up!”
“But when I’ve alluded to that in the past, he has blown up and told me I should leave him then and marry a lawyer or something. I’m tired, oh so tired. I just want peace, I want someone to recognize everything I’ve been doing to keep it all together. I want him to be happy, but I’m apparently never saying the right thing.”
She’s coming home from her work trip in three days, and she’s not sure what to say to her husband or what to do.
What advice do you have for her?
You can read the original post on Reddit here.
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