It’s Common To Not Like Those You Love, But Both Are Important For Healthy Romantic Relationships
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer.
It’s easy to assume that if you love someone, you have to like them, right? Contrary to popular belief, they are two very different experiences and don’t necessarily have to go hand in hand.
For a moment, consider your familial relationships. Perhaps you grew up in a tumultuous household, and you don’t exactly like certain qualities about your parents. Maybe your mother is judgmental and brash, or your father might be controlling and arrogant.
Even in the wake of these flaws, you likely still feel a pull toward your parents. If they were sick or in harm’s way, you’d care about their well-being and hope for their safety. At the end of the day, you still love them deep down despite not liking their character traits.
This is precisely how love and dislike can coexist in our relationships, as well as why it’s so common for people to not always like who they romantically fall in love with.
Think about it this way: love is a drive fueled by our humane desire to connect with and feel for others. This want is evolutionary at its core, quite literally helping our species survive.
We crave connection, whether we realize it or not. And it’s this longing that causes us to fall in love; it leads us to feel immense bouts of emotion, affection, and happiness for another individual.
Liking someone, on the other hand, is different. This refers to actually appreciating another person’s attributes and temperament. We typically like someone if we can feel emotionally safe with them and “at ease.”
As human beings, we all feel the need to be valued, supported, and heard. Think about the people you genuinely like in your life. Do they listen to you, cheer you on, and respect you? The answer is probably yes.
Drobot Dean – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual people
Going back to the family example, this explains how we can sometimes love our parents or our siblings without liking their nature as individuals. It also illuminates why falling into toxic relationships can be seemingly easy and escaping them can be incredibly difficult.
The pull of passion and the drive for connection may cause you to fall head over heels for someone who, either immediately or over time, makes you feel undervalued or unseen. In these moments, exiting the relationship may seem as though it’s the most logical answer. Yet, leaving behind that intense love might feel impossible.
It’s, of course, normal to dislike certain things about everyone. After all, no one is perfect, and everyone is bound to have flaws that tick you off from time to time. For instance, your roommate might be forgetful and never take out the trash, or your best friend could lack good communication skills.
But when it comes to romantic relationships, it is ideal to both like and love the person you choose to settle down with. Yes, love can be fiery and exciting. Still, like is arguably the true foundation of a steady partnership.
It signifies that you value who you’re with and view them as a wonderful person. At the same time, they help you feel safe and open, without any pressure to defend yourself or guard your words.
This isn’t to say that you should cut out anyone you don’t like from your life, as love is its own powerful and beautiful emotion. Still, it’s important to keep in mind what kind of relationship you truly want with a significant other and remember that love can sometimes blind us to our dislikes.
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