7 Reasons People Go Back To Their Exes
Breakups Are Often Some Of The Greatest Hardships We Encounter
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer. Breakups can be one of the hardest struggles to go through since the aftermath is typically filled with a lot of heartbreak, uncertainty, and the terrifying task of rebuilding a life without the person you once viewed as your other half.
Even after beginning to go through this huge emotional toll, though, many people still find themselves rekindling with old flames down the line. Whether it’s a few months later or after spending whole years apart, it’s much more common than you think.
Research Suggests Going Back To An Ex Happens Quite Frequently
Sometimes, exes reunite for closure, other times for comfort, and occasionally because they truly believe that they’d already found “the one.” This phenomenon isn’t just anecdotal, either.
In fact, some research suggests that between 40% and 50% of people have gotten back together with an ex to begin a new relationship. But it’s not always sunshine and rainbows, as other studies have found that on-again relationships tend to have lower satisfaction, validation, love, and fulfillment of needs.
Here Are 7 Reasons Why People Get Back Together With Their Exes
This isn’t to say that couples who break up and decide to give things another try can’t be happy. However, when people split and reunite more frequently, the quality of their relationship usually takes a greater hit.
So, why do plenty of us continue to give past romances another shot, even if history indicates it might not work out? Here are seven of the top reasons why people return to their exes.
1. Familiarity Is Comforting
No one likes change because the unknown is scary. As humans, we are constantly trying to process our own personal situations and make sense of the world around us. And major turning points, like breakups, can seemingly flip our understanding and sense of security upside down at the drop of a hat.
Things like giving back your ex’s college sweatshirt that you used to love stealing, adopting a new solo morning routine, and figuring out how to fill your Saturdays, which were once reserved for date nights, can feel totally overwhelming. Meanwhile, your ex offers a sense of predictability, and even if the relationship wasn’t perfect, it was still comfortable due to that.
This is why the thought of navigating life without that familiar presence is sometimes enough to make restarting an old romance seem like the easier option.
2. Dreaded Loneliness
On a similar note, loneliness is also inevitable following a split, but it has a way of slowly creeping in and making even the most independent people reconsider their breakups.
Rom-coms have (incorrectly) taught us that when women feel lonely, we curl up in bed in cute pajamas and drown our tears in tubs of ice cream. However, it’s rarely such dramatic moments that sting the most.
Rather, it’s waking up to an empty bed, trying to ditch the habit of checking your phone for text notifications from your ex, or having to go stag to events when you previously always had a plus-one. In these moments, reaching out to an ex may feel like the simplest way to fill your emotional void.
3. Rose-Colored Glasses & Nostalgia
Time has a very funny way of softening the bad memories and sharpening the better ones. In other words, we tend to romanticize our past relationships and reminisce about all the deep conversations, inside jokes, romance, or adventures. At the same time, we gloss over the arguments and pain that caused our breakups in the first place.
Nostalgia can be extremely deceiving, causing you to question whether your ex was actually “the one that got away.”
4. Problems In The Dating Pool
Does anyone ever have fun going on their first few dates after a split? Not really. Regardless of whether you spend a ton of time swiping on dating apps or happen to have a rare (and coveted) meet-cute in person, first dates post-breakup are still awkward.
Not to mention, if you realize that the people you’re seeing aren’t looking for the same thing as you, it’s easy to feel frustrated and dejected. Modern dating is downright uncertain, so again, exes start to seem like more reliable and “safe” alternatives.
After all, with an ex, at least you already know what you’re signing up for, right?
5. Lack of Closure
No matter how hard we try to do the right thing and leave relationships on a positive note, not all breakups come with a clear sense of finality. Some end abruptly, by ghosting or otherwise, and leave behind a ton of unanswered questions and unresolved feelings.
As we grapple with the end, we may also start to ponder the “what ifs,” wondering what could’ve been different and whether we threw in the towel too soon.
Lack of closure can lead us to believe that going back to an ex is the only way to get the answers we need, even if that means repeating old patterns.
6. Pressure From A Past Partner
Now, it’s important to note that not all on-again relationships are the product of mutual desire. Instead, one partner might hold on and push to give things another shot, and the other gives in out of guilt or obligation.
From clingy and persistent text messages to feeling responsible for your ex’s well-being, these pressures may make you think you don’t have a choice in the matter. Just remember that relationships built on guilt as opposed to genuine affection rarely end up lasting.
7. Lingering Feelings Of Love
Finally, we aren’t robots, and we aren’t able to just turn “off” the feelings of love in our hearts when our brains decide to call it quits. Emotions will likely remain strong after a breakup, and the process of letting go can take a while.
It’s these lingering feelings that lead some people to believe they might be able to fix the past, and love may be enough to overcome the challenges they once faced. In some cases, that’s true. In others, when the heart is allowed to overpower logic, people are drawn back into relationships that aren’t any different than before.
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