7 Ways To Deal When You’re Angry With Your Partner
We’ve All Felt Angry At A Parent, Sibling, Or Even Best Friend Before
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer. But sometimes, the frustration we experience in those instances can’t even compare to the irritation we feel with our partners.
Let’s face it: while it’s completely natural (and healthy) to disagree with your significant other, that fact doesn’t mean it’s any easier. Instead, the close relationship you and your partner share arguably makes it much tougher.
Couples should understand each other, support each other, and work as a team, right? Despite that being true, arguments still crop up from time to time and leave us utterly annoyed or furious at the one person who’s supposed to “get” us.
Here Are 7 Ways To Deal When You’re Angry With Your Partner
What’s even more disheartening is how much of an impact our reactions have. We need to get our anger out because it’s healthy to do so, but we also don’t want to push our partners away and escalate the issue even further.
Thankfully, though, there is a happy medium between just bottling up your emotions and having a total blow-out fight. Here are seven productive ways you can deal with your feelings when you’re angry at your partner.
1. First, Take A Breath
We all get angry for a variety of reasons every single day, like when traffic during your commute makes you late for work, or a flaky babysitter ruins your weekend plans. In these situations, as well as arguments in romantic relationships, the best thing we can do first is take a step back.
If you allow your anger to spew out immediately without taking the time to really feel it, process it, and reflect on it, then you might just make the issue worse and inadvertently hurt your partner because, well, you’re hurt.
In the heat of the moment, you may think they even deserve it. But remember that fighting fire with fire will not get you anywhere and will probably just leave you feeling worse afterward.
2. Put Your Feelings On Paper
Instead, it’s smart to clarify your emotions and pinpoint the true source of your anger before you even consider talking to your partner. The simplest way to start is by recalling the beginning of your day and running through what you did (and your emotions) up until you became angry.
It’s possible that something earlier, related to the conflict at hand or not, ticked you off and put you in a bad mood. So, by assessing your entire day, you’ll be able to understand if any triggers contributed to your anger and what exactly it is that your partner did to make you angry.
This is especially helpful for keeping your confrontation on track later. When we skip the reflection stage and jump straight into fighting, it’s extremely easy to veer off course and start bringing up a ton of other things that have irritated you in the past, even though they’re not relevant. Staying on topic and getting as much clarity on one problem as possible is the best way to solve it.
3. Consider If You Played A Role In The Conflict
As you write down your emotions, whether you choose to physically put pen to paper or just type a note on your smartphone, practice some self-awareness, too. Ask yourself if anything you did might’ve added to the conflict (or your anger level).
Sometimes, our partners make clear-cut mistakes that really aren’t our fault. Other times, though, life isn’t so black-and-white, and with enough reflection, we can find certain things we could’ve changed or improved to help the situation.
4. Confront Your Partner Calmly And Directly
Regardless, once you’re clear on your feelings, confront your partner directly. It can be tempting to ghost them, stonewall them, start dropping “hints” that you’re annoyed, or even just begin yelling at them.
All of these options will just drag out the inevitable, though. And while screaming your head off might blow off a little steam, you’re still going to have to deal with the tension between you and your partner (which will probably be worse) afterward. That’s why a calm, direct approach is best. Just tell them that you’re ready to talk.
5. Be Prepared For An Open Conversation, Not Passive Aggression
Additionally, as you enter that conversation, be prepared to actually talk, not just lecture, dismiss, or act passive-aggressive. Don’t get me wrong–everyone has a right to their own feelings. Nonetheless, your partner also has a right to be respected, even when they’ve messed up.
On top of that, you two will have to have a balanced conversation to actually resolve the issue at hand and prevent similar problems from happening in the future. You can ask questions to understand where they’re coming from, why they acted in a certain way, and what they plan to do differently moving forward.
6. Speak Your Feelings Without Raising Your Voice
Now, as you get into the thick of this discussion, certain things your partner says might reignite that anger you previously calmed down. It’s important to remember that you can express that feeling without truly acting angry, or, in other words, yelling.
You don’t have to scream to get your emotions across. Rather, flat-out tell your partner how frustrated you are and use your words to describe why. It will keep the situation calm while helping your partner better grasp why you’re hurt.
7. Prioritize “I Feel” Statements Over Absolute Ones
Finally, make sure that you focus on sharing your own emotions, not playing the blame game or attacking your partner.
Sure, maybe they did screw up, and you’re suffering due to their decision, but “telling them off” will only put your partner on the defensive instead of urging them to reflect and come up with solutions.
This is why “I feel” statements are much more effective than absolute statements, such as “You always…” or “You never…” You can tell your partner how undervalued, overlooked, or just plain enraged they made you feel while keeping the focus on yourself. Then, they’ll have an easier time expressing empathy, coming to terms with their behavior, and trying to rectify their actions.
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