7 Subtle Ways Your Partner Is Trying To Change You
We All Want Someone Who Loves Us For Who We Truly Are
The following column is the opinion and analysis of the writer. We all want to be with people who love and accept us for who we are, not who they want us to become. Unfortunately, though, not all relationships are so genuine.
Sometimes, subtle signs of control or discontent can creep in, with partners disguising their tactics as “helping you grow” or “wanting the best for you.”
Here Are 7 Subtle Ways Your Partner Is Trying To Change You
Just remember that while self-improvement is a part of life, it’s supposed to be done on your own terms, not as a result of pressure or manipulation.
So, if you feel like you frequently have to adjust who you are just to win your partner’s approval or avoid conflict, you might be dealing with more than typical relationship challenges. Here are seven ways your partner could be trying to change you (and sacrificing your well-being in the process).
1. They’re Always Criticizing You
Feedback, when it’s both occasional and constructive, can actually be helpful in relationships. However, when your partner consistently nitpicks your choices, habits, or personality, it could be less about helping and more about molding you into somebody else.
If every conversation feels like a critique about things such as your appearance, how you talk, your job, your contributions around the house, or even how you like to spend your free time, it can leave you feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough. Moreover, such frequent criticism suggests your partner is trying to “fix” things they don’t like instead of embracing who you are.
You shouldn’t feel forced to change fundamental parts of yourself to keep the peace. It’s a red flag that your partner’s love is contingent, and that’s simply not sustainable.
2. Your Partner Compares You To Others
No one enjoys being compared to others, yet your partner may routinely size you up against their friends, siblings, or even exes. They might ask why you don’t do certain things like them or praise other people’s traits while subtly implying that you should follow suit.
In some scenarios, it could seem as if your partner is merely admiring that other person. On the contrary, they’re likely hoping that you’ll change to be more like them.
Of course, it’s natural to notice positive qualities in others, but constant comparisons will obviously wear down your self-esteem over time. Rather than internalizing their remarks, try telling your partner how their comments make you feel.
3. Your Boundaries Aren’t Respected
Boundaries help define what makes you feel safe, valued, and respected, hence why they’re a crucial part of any healthy relationship. But if your partner regularly pushes past your limits, it could indicate they’re trying to change your comfort zone to match their preferences.
Perhaps you’ve said no to something in the past, yet they just keep pressuring you to change your mind. Or, maybe you asked for space, and they showed up at your house anyway.
Whatever the case, it’s a red flag if they repeatedly cross your boundaries. Not only is the habit inconsiderate, but it’s also a strategy to control your behavior.
4. They Try To Manipulate You
On a similar note, other forms of manipulation can be quiet, subtle, and extremely confusing. You may notice your partner twisting your words, making back-handed jokes about your choices, or arguing with so much persistence that you begin to doubt your own instincts.
Some telltale signs of emotional manipulation include frequently second-guessing your decisions, downplaying your feelings, or doing things you’re uncomfortable with just to avoid rocking the boat. Your partner might be relying on these tactics to control or change you without openly demanding what they want.
5. Your Partner Disregards Your Needs
Both partners’ needs and desires should matter in a balanced relationship. Nonetheless, if your partner wants you to change, they might overlook your feelings altogether and view them as unimportant.
For instance, your partner may dismiss your concerns, brush off your wants, or fail to show up when you need them. By constantly downplaying whatever matters to you, your partner is sending a message that your needs aren’t valid unless they align with theirs. And over time, this can cause you to suppress your desires to prevent feeling disappointed or sparking conflict.
Just keep in mind that your needs aren’t a nuisance. They are literally part of who you are, and if your partner can’t respect that, then it may be time to reevaluate what you’re actually getting from your relationship.
6. They Act Like They Know Best
Does your partner like to make decisions for you often, explain what you “should” do, or argue that their way is better “for your own good?” Sure, advice can come from a caring place, but there’s a big difference between offering support and acting superior.
When your partner consistently pretends to know what’s best for you, especially when you haven’t asked for their input, it suggests they’re trying to mold who you are according to their perspective.
But whether it’s about your friends, career, appearance, or even your hobbies, you should always have the final say in your own life, and the right partner will empower you to make your own decisions.
7. You Feel Like Their Love Is Conditional
Finally, the person you choose to be with is supposed to make you feel safe and at ease, even on your worst days, not like you have to earn their love. Nonetheless, you might’ve noticed how your partner only acts affectionate toward you when you behave a certain way (and becomes distant when you don’t). This is a clear sign that their acceptance of who you are comes with strings attached.
Your partner is essentially attempting to influence your behavior through the use of “approval” when you meet their expectations and “punishment” when you don’t. It goes without saying that this is a toxic relationship dynamic.
Real love is rooted in mutual respect and unconditional love, so if you feel like you have to change just to be appreciated by your partner, it’s time to question if your relationship is actually a performance.
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