This 20-year-old man always had a bedroom at his 42-year-old mom’s house, even after he moved out to attend college a couple of years ago. Yet, that all changed after her fiancé and his two young children, ages 6 and 4, moved in and needed the extra space.
However, it’s not even the room that he cares about the most. It’s the fact that the 4-year-old child, a little girl, has a “host of disabilities,” and both his mom and her fiancé expect him to learn how to care for her. And he has no interest in being a babysitter or caretaker whatsoever.
For some context, the 4-year-old has a seizure disorder, osteogenesis imperfecta, and another condition that involves paralysis or spasms of the stomach and esophagus.
So, before his mom’s fiancé moved in with his kids, she actually attended classes on how to care for his daughter for more than two months.
“Her fiancé’s ex is totally out of the picture, so my mom decided she would need to step up completely, which I get,” he noted.
Then, his mom’s fiancé and children officially moved in 10 months ago, and since then, he’s been back to visit home twice. The first time was for Christmas, and over the holiday, he decided to stay at his grandparents’ house.
Why? Well, his old bedroom was given to the 4-year-old, and he knew there wasn’t space for him elsewhere. And even though his mom was disappointed that he wouldn’t stay at home, he pointed out that he would’ve just gotten in the way of their routine anyway.
And more recently, his second visit took place from late June to early July. He traveled home for a few weeks this time, and again, he opted to stay with his grandparents, despite his mom offering to buy a pull-out bed.
What was different about this visit, though, was his mom’s pressure to take the same caretaking classes she attended. Apparently, anytime he’d show up at his house, she’d ask whether he’d considered enrolling in the classes or if he wanted her help to get signed up.
Sign up for Chip Chick’s newsletter and get stories like this delivered to your inbox.
He kept telling his mom no and asked why he’d even need the classes. It turned out that she was hoping he’d want to assist her and her fiancé with the 4-year-old.
“She said it would mean I could step in if an emergency came up,” he recalled.
“I told my mom she’d better find someone professional for that because I was not taking on that responsibility.”
This led his mom’s fiancé to ask if he ever planned to stay at home again, and he admitted that he didn’t. He believes he’d have no privacy, and his presence in the house wouldn’t benefit anybody.
“I pointed out how they’d be so busy anyway that I wouldn’t have time with mom that much, and I’d get just as much staying somewhere else and planning ahead of time to visit when she’s not super busy,” he reasoned.
Unfortunately, his mom’s fiancé seemed to take this as a personal jab and claimed it sounded as if he wasn’t interested in learning how to care for the little girl. Moreover, he got accused of not really wanting to be involved with his mom’s fiancé or his children.
At that point, he was completely honest. He stated that he’d see all of them when he visits his mom, but aside from that, he’s not “signing up” to be a caregiver or babysitter in the future.
Thankfully, when he went for a walk with his mom afterward, she actually understood where he was coming from and realized it was a lot to ask. Yet, despite how he lives farther away now, she actually still hoped he’d be willing to pitch in on occasion.
In fact, she asked if he was really so opposed to helping out with the 4-year-old and giving her and her fiancé a couple of hours off when he visits sometimes.
“I told her I would visit and wanted to spend time with her, but babysitting her future step-kids was not in my plans. And especially not one so medically complex and in need of specific care,” he explained.
This actually did upset his mom, but in the end, she dropped the topic. Her fiancé, on the other hand, hasn’t been able to let it go.
For instance, while talking about Christmas plans recently, his mom’s fiancé supposedly spoke to his grandparents about the situation. They got the impression that he was angry with them for giving him a place to stay.
“Because it gives me an excuse not to get closer to his kids and, therefore, be more willing to learn how to take care of his daughter,” he vented.
Now, with all the tension still festering, he’s wondering whether refusing to help his mom and her fiancé care for his disabled daughter is understandable or truly does make him a jerk.
Is it fair what his mom and her fiancé are asking of him? Does he have the right to set boundaries if he’s not comfortable caring for the little girl? What advice would you give him?
You can read the original post below.
By Katharina Buczek
Katharina Buczek graduated from Stony Brook University with a degree in Journalism and a minor in Digital Arts. Specializing in... More about Katharina Buczek
