I do wonder about how many of us look back on our exes with rose-colored glasses, especially at times when we feel lonely or want comfort, or we’re not getting along with our current partner.
I think it’s relatively simple to slip into romanticizing someone or something that no longer has a place in the present and ceases to exist.
But what happens when that person literally ceases to exist? For her, a death notification on Facebook did more than bring back old memories of her ex; it completely eclipsed her current marriage, leaving her to wonder if her heart belonged with another man all along.
This 32-year-old woman was on Facebook earlier when she came across a post a friend of hers made, announcing her ex-boyfriend’s unexpected passing.
She spent six years with her ex, and they split up four years ago. She can’t find any information on how her ex died, and when she saw the news, it tore her apart.
“I stared at the screen for probably 10 minutes before it hit me, and then I just broke. Ugly crying, shaking, the whole thing,” she explained.
As she was breaking down, her husband entered the room and wanted to know why she was so upset. She frantically crafted a lie about how one of her coworkers’ loved ones passed away.
Her husband gave her a hug, offered his condolences, and went about his day. After he left, she felt like the most horrible woman on the planet.
“Because the truth is, in that moment, everything I felt for my husband… it just evaporated. Like a switch flipped. I looked at him and felt nothing romantic, nothing warm, just this hollow guilt,” she said.
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“We’ve been married for 2 years, we have a stable life, he’s a good man, he doesn’t deserve this. But right now, I can’t even look at him without feeling like I’m betraying him by grieving someone else so hard.”
She genuinely believed she no longer had any feelings for her ex and that he was firmly in her past, but she’s currently doubting that.
They didn’t have a tragic breakup, and they ended their relationship in a nonconfrontational way. They just felt that they were moving in different directions, and that was the reason for their split.
Since she’s so upset about the death of her ex, she thinks she never actually let him go. She keeps thinking of all of the good times they shared, like their late into the evening chats, the plans they envisioned for the future that never came to be, and the way he used to laugh at all of her silly jokes.
“And now he’s gone forever, and I can’t even say goodbye properly. Am I still in love with him? Or is this just shock + unresolved grief + nostalgia hitting at the worst possible time?” she wondered.
“I don’t know how to process any of it without blowing up my marriage. I feel so guilty for crying over someone who isn’t my husband, for lying to his face, for suddenly questioning everything.”
“I don’t know what I’m confessing here exactly, maybe that I’m a [bad] wife right now, or that I’ve been lying to myself about being ‘over it’ for years. I just needed to get this out somewhere because I can’t tell anyone in real life.”
People aren’t perfect, and grief is weird. Grief can absolutely act as rose-colored glasses, making you reflect on an ex in a more positive light, and I think that’s most likely happening to her here.
Grief and shock can warp reality on top of everything, and talking to a therapist can be the perfect way for her to work through all of this without fear of judgment.
And in regard to our exes, there’s no way to spend years of your life with someone and not have them still be a part of you on some level.
You can’t love someone and pretend they never existed or act like they didn’t have an impact on you in some way, so it makes sense to me that she does feel something for a man she spent six years with. That’s human of her.
What do you think? Is it normal for your feelings for your current partner to evaporate during a grief crisis, or is that a sign the marriage was already on shaky ground?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
