It makes sense to me that if your spouse cheats on you, it’s possible to no longer find them attractive or worth being with, even with a child tying you together.
But once you lose your attraction to your spouse, do you think it’s possible to find it again? Or is it an indicator that the marriage is most likely over?
This 25-year-old man and his 25-year-old wife have been with one another for eight years, and the majority of their relationship has been amazing.
Three years into their relationship, they hit a speed bump and fell on hard times, since his wife could no longer keep a job after she took a fall and was unable to hold down a job.
She’s been very sick since back when he met her, but that didn’t impact her employment until she had that fall. All of the financial responsibilities fell on him, which was extremely stressful.
“Now, as a man, I wanted to provide, and worked more just so we could get through the months and she [could] get her treatment,” he explained.
“We didn’t go on dates, we didn’t go and do activities, as there [was] no money to do these things (walking on the beach was not an activity she wanted to do).”
After a period of time, they started arguing nonstop about the lack of money to use for date nights. He desperately wanted to be able to give that to his wife, but he was aware that if he caved and spent money on having fun, they would fall behind.
Next, his wife took a two-hour flight and left to stay with her parents, since she required more care, and he was too busy working to support them. His wife’s parents are retired, so caring for her was something they stepped up to do.
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When he did visit his wife, he was shocked to see that her personality was totally different, and their compatibility felt strained to him.
He figured their connection had simply suffered because they no longer were spending a lot of time together. His wife did fly home to see him once, and he was so sick with the flu that he slept in a different room, as he was afraid to make her sick.
At 1 a.m., he could hear his wife talking to someone on the phone, and knew she had another man in her life.
“We had a confrontation and everything, and she confessed that she was cheating. It broke me. I didn’t know if I should divorce her or try and forgive her,” he added.
“I loved her and I’ve cared for her so much it’s like a part of me, but I lost all attraction to her. I tried to forgive her but got distant; she moved to her aunt for care, and I just kept working.”
A couple of months later, he learned that his wife was pregnant. The timing was suspicious and didn’t really point to him being the dad, but it was possible, so he didn’t push the subject.
Following the news of his wife’s pregnancy, she shifted back to her old self. After the baby was born, their marriage returned to a normal place, and he didn’t ever address the possibility of the baby belonging to her affair partner.
He was in denial and still wanted to make things work with his wife, but there’s one enormous problem that’s impacting their relationship at the moment.
“But now I’m still not attracted to her after cheating, even though she is back to her old self again. The only reason I’m still with her is because of the baby; he is 8 months old now, and I want to give him a proper home, but I can’t get to love my wife again,” he continued.
He’s left wondering what he should do.
First of all, I would be wasting no time getting a paternity test on the baby if I were him. That will at least give him peace of mind, even if it’s not the outcome he expects.
From there, he can decide if he wants to go to counseling and try to rebuild the attraction to his wife, or he should consider getting a divorce.
Staying together for the kids is a terrible way to live your life, and if he doesn’t feel like he can get to a good place in his marriage again, it’s best to move on.
What advice do you have for him? Do you think remaining in a marriage you think is over is a good choice for the sake of a child?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
