Staying in the wrong relationship is rarely one enormous decision; it’s usually a bunch of small ones, made while hoping the other person will eventually become who you need or want them to be.
She’s spent years waiting for her boyfriend to turn into the man she longs for, and it took a miscarriage for her to finally see him for what he is: a selfish man-child.
This 40-year-old woman and her 30-year-old boyfriend have been dating for several years, and as soon as they got together, they started participating in ethical non-monogamy through swapping partners.
“Ever since our relationship began, we had intended [to be] in an open relationship; however, we had different ideas of what that meant. Namely, he wanted to play separately, and I did not,” she explained.
“Initially, he convinced me that it was just insecurity and past experiences that were holding me back, so I wasn’t totally closed to the idea. But if I’m being honest with myself, even then, I knew something was wrong.”
“Our entire relationship was built on the idea that I would have to get over my boundaries for him eventually because it was clear he would never change. But I’m a hopeless romantic, and he’s a smooth talker.”
Her boyfriend would reassure her that he was willing to go along with whatever she ultimately wanted, yet he implored her to refrain from making her choice in the moment.
So, he influenced her and strung her along under the guise of being caring, and she was blind to it the whole time.
She presumed that her boyfriend was showing her compassion for taking her time to decide on how she wanted their relationship to play out, but she can see now how wrong she was.
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She believes that her boyfriend has been preventing her from communicating her boundaries by manipulating her into doubting her feelings about their romance.
“When I finally had some conviction about focusing on having a family rather than searching for fulfillment in other people, he agreed with his words, but his actions showed otherwise,” she said.
“This push and pull throughout our relationship has always been painful for me, but after I had a miscarriage and he immediately started pushing to sleep with other people again despite my grief, I’m just broken.”
“He would never admit it, but I know he’s happy that we’re not having a baby anymore. He lives [his passionate interests] 24/7, in both his professional and personal lives. I know that if I were to ask him to give that up, it would only result in him lying to me about it and wasting my time.”
Since she and her boyfriend have a 10-year age gap, she thinks he has quite a long time to go before he worries about his biological clock ticking, but hers is ringing in her ears.
Time is of the essence for her, as she’s down to the wire on trying for a baby. If she remains with her boyfriend, she could have another shot at having a baby with him, but she’s honestly afraid that he’s going to walk away and make her a single mom.
After all, she’s convinced her boyfriend will choose sleeping around over stepping up to be a dad, since one is more fun than the other.
“But if I leave, I will almost certainly lose any chance to have another child. I’m so scared of being on my own again. I have a young daughter, and she loves her stepdad,” she continued.
“But I also know that he isn’t capable of being a good dad when all he cares about [is sleeping around]. I don’t want my children growing up either surrounded by secrets or exposed to this world. I’m drained. I feel lied to and manipulated.”
She’s curious if it would make her a jerk to dump her boyfriend.
I think breaking up is the only thing she can do, since she and her boyfriend just aren’t compatible. She’s obviously not interested in an open relationship, while he is.
It’s also pretty heartless and inconsiderate of him to try to get her to agree to an open relationship instead of giving her the space to grieve her loss.
He’s really just a manipulative, selfish man-child who isn’t partner or father material. There’s no way he will ever be able to provide her with the stability she’s looking for.
What advice do you have for her?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
