Being married comes with an unspoken agreement that when life gets hard, you carry it together. But for her, being in it together slowly became fiction, and she came to realize that she’s been doing everything in her marriage all on her own for years on end.
She’s worked multiple jobs to keep their family afloat and even committed herself to a psychiatric hospital from sheer exhaustion. But as for her disabled husband? Well, he’s been too busy with disc golf and gaming to be worried about helping her out.
It’s been close to 16 years that this woman has been with her husband, and mainly, she’s been the one keeping their lives together emotionally, financially, and logistically.
She has frequently worked two to four jobs at once in order to make ends meet. On top of working like a crazy person, she’s raised their children, experienced a miscarriage, moved states a few times, and obtained her degree. She’s currently working on another degree in order to advance her career.
“I’ve pushed myself hard because there has never been anyone else to catch us if I fall. My husband was declared disabled in 2015, but his issues started around 2013 after an injury,” she explained.
“He was out of work for a while, didn’t follow through with unemployment requirements, struggled to keep jobs, and eventually started having episodes where he would become unresponsive. Years later, he was finally diagnosed with cataplexy.”
Cataplexy is a sudden onset of muscle weakness that occurs during intense emotions, such as anger, laughter, or excitement.
She knows her husband isn’t faking his diagnosis, but as time has gone on, her husband’s episodes have become exceptionally rare.
Her husband has episodes a handful of times a year, and he’s really high functioning. He invests all of his time into disc golf, gaming, and avoiding obligations.
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Her husband does get disability checks, but they go to her, since he can’t handle money. She’s the one who deals with all of their household expenses and management, on top of caring for their kids.
She’s the only adult out of the two of them who has to handle literally every single detail or responsibility for their family. She has asked her husband to help with their finances in the past, and that resulted in their bills going unpaid.
“What’s pushed me over the edge is that he seems willing and able to put effort into things he wants to do. He has energy for disc golf, gaming, helping other people, and researching his hobbies,” she said.
“But when it comes to helping consistently at home, supporting me, or contributing financially, there’s always an excuse, deflection, or broken promise.”
“This has been years of me begging for help, asking for accountability, trying therapy, trying counseling, trying patience, trying anger, trying grace, and trying ‘one more chance.’ We even separated for a while after things got very bad. We got back together thinking things would improve, but I feel like I ended up right back in the same dynamic.”
She’s completely drained dealing with her husband, and he’s like another kid to her instead of a spouse. She’s encountered her own health problems and undergone several procedures, and she still showed up to keep their family moving forward. She didn’t get any days off.
A couple of years ago, she was so worn out and stressed that she voluntarily committed herself to a psychiatric hospital because she was having a breakdown.
That didn’t exactly help her, as when she was released, she went right back into the thick of it while feeling totally alone in her relationship.
“Recently, we had what I thought was a productive conversation and agreed on some changes: helping more around the house, being more involved, and working together better. He lasted two days before falling right back into old habits,” she continued.
“At this point, I don’t know whether I’m being unfair to a disabled spouse or finally acknowledging that I cannot carry this alone anymore.”
“I’m at the point where I want to tell him that if he is capable of putting this much time and effort into hobbies and other people, then he needs to find some meaningful way to contribute to the household, or we need to divorce.”
I think a divorce is in order, as she has asked her husband to help out more than once, and he’s failed to do that. I do understand that he’s disabled, but it’s strange that he has so much energy and time to invest in what he likes to do instead of helping her out at home.
It sounds like he absolutely could find a job or do chores around the house, so why is he letting everything fall on her shoulders? He’s not acting like a husband, and he’s a burden on her.
She’s enabled him to avoid responsibilities for so long that I don’t see him changing. A divorce is the only way out of this one.
What advice do you have for her?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
