When the trust in your spouse is entirely wiped out in a single day, how do you decide if a marriage is even worth saving, regardless of whether your spouse’s addiction is real?
This 30-year-old woman has been with her 35-year-old husband for a decade, and two years ago, they tied the knot. They do not have any children, and her husband identifies as a straight man.
Unfortunately, she just found out that her husband has been cheating on her with several men, as well as trans women, and this has been going on for as long as they have been with one another.
“To the outside world, he was the perfect husband. He is a very caring and extremely ‘moral’ person (like he would always do the right thing), and he was so nice to my family,” she explained.
“We are mostly together 24/7, so I didn’t even think he had time to cheat. My world is flipped upside down because he was so ‘normal.'”
“A few days ago, I caught him [sending inappropriate messages to] a man on his phone. I discovered concrete evidence that they had met up, so I confronted him. Oh! And he was also wearing my shirt during these…acts.”
Her husband divulged everything to her, and she does understand there could be far more than he’s telling her, but he promised to be forthcoming, so there’s that.
This all started back when her husband was 13; his first relationship was with an older man. His encounters with men have been on and off, and he claims they are only a form of relieving stress.
He has also been talking to men on Craigslist since well before she met him. But in regard to the time they have spent together, he has had around 10 affairs with trans women and men.
“After we got married, he met up with this same man (the one I caught him [messaging]) 3x. I was horrified to find out…that he invited a trans woman to our apartment to [hook up], and then he met her again at a hotel that he booked,” she added.
“Actually, every single time I left on a business trip, he has cheated on me. Apparently, he is the submissive role in these affairs, but to the world, he presents as a masculine man.”
“I am flabbergasted because he says he still loves me so much. He doesn’t understand why he committed these actions, and he says they are compulsions he cannot control.”
Her husband insists that his little get-togethers are purely physical and not emotional at all. When he’s done, he feels revolted and believes it’s some kind of trauma reenactment.
Her husband has expressed his remorse, and she made him tell his mom over the phone what he did. He has joined a program to treat addicts, and he’s claiming that’s what he is.
She’s left wondering if this kind of addiction is real and if it could present in the way her husband acted. She doesn’t truly buy this story, as it comes across to her like her husband is only making excuses.
She’s not sure if a divorce is her only choice here, especially considering she’s afraid her husband is gaslighting her. She does feel tricked and traumatized.
She is under no obligation to stay and manage her husband’s rehabilitation after his secret life completely flipped her world upside down.
It’s incredibly exhausting to navigate the fallout of ten separate affairs while her husband insists these hookups were purely physical and carried absolutely no emotional weight.
The fear of being gaslit is completely valid, especially when her husband’s outward persona is so wildly detached from the reality of his actions.
I’m inclined to believe he is gaslighting her, by the way. He’s a cheater and a liar, and she can’t stay married to him.
What advice do you have for her?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
