If your dad cheated on your mom while she was spiraling out of control, then married his mistress and tried to force you to be friends with her, how would you feel?
Five years ago, when she was a freshman in college, this 25-year-old woman sadly lost her mom. Her mom worked as a bus driver and opted to retire early amid the pandemic, but she grew bored at home.
“Her drinking, which had always been on and off, got really bad during that time, but she was still usually the one handling the day-to-day stuff to get me set up for adulthood (car, dorm stuff, money for school, etc.), and my dad helped a lot with money and driving me where I needed to go,” she explained.
While her dad did help her with college-related things, drove her to school, and gave her money, he has not been consistently there for her in an emotional capacity.
Then, following her mom’s passing, she was looking through her phone and her email when she came across all of these screenshots her mom took of messages between her dad and a woman.
This 50-year-old woman, named D, was her dad’s mistress. Her mom and dad spent 20 years together on and off, then they got married a year before her mom passed away.
Her mom was actively tracking D for years, and her dad was involved with D while married to her mom.
“While my mom’s drinking was at its worst, my dad basically left. He left my mom and my younger brother at home and went to stay with D,” she added.
“At one point, less than a year before my mom died, my mom said D pulled up to her house and started dumping my dad’s clothes outside. Other relatives confirmed that, so D definitely knew my parents were together.”
Her dad has admitted that he did things with D, but he has not had an actual chat with her about it, nor has he apologized for cheating while her mom was at the lowest moment in her life.
A year or two after her mom’s passing, her dad revealed to her that he had married D and bought a house with her. It seemed like they tied the knot a while ago, and her dad just did not share that with her.
D has a daughter around her age who lives with them, so she’s upset that her dad built a brand-new family without even including her.
“On top of that, there was a period in my early 20s, where I was homeless and staying with an aunt. My dad basically told me that if I wanted to stay there, I needed to ‘be nice’ and befriend D because ‘it’s her house too’ and I shouldn’t cause problems,” she said,
“So even basic survival help was tied to being cool with the woman who helped blow up my family. Last year, when my grandma died, I met D in person for the first time.”
“I said hello, she said ‘nice to meet you,’ and when I didn’t say it back, she repeated, ‘nice to meet you’ again, like she was trying to force me to say it too, knowing…it is not nice for me to meet the woman who helped blow up my family.”
She didn’t appreciate that D tried to sweep everything under the rug and pretend nothing went wrong, rather than addressing her feelings.
Her dad has currently expressed to her that if she wants to be in his life completely and gain access to help and opportunities that he can provide her with, she needs to become friends with D. Like, actually spend time with this woman.
Her dad said if she refuses to do that, it means she’s childish. She has informed her dad that she can be polite to D, as she’s not about to cause problems, but she has no respect for D and does not want to befriend her.
“I don’t want to hang out at their house, I don’t want to treat her like a bonus mom, and I don’t believe any apology from her would be real,” she continued.
“In my head, if you truly thought what you did was wrong, you wouldn’t have married the guy and built a whole life on top of it.
Right now, I keep my distance physically.”
“I don’t go over there, I don’t talk to her, and even though my dad will talk to me on the phone for hours if I call, I keep things more surface‑level because every time we get into it, he tells me I’m immature and sabotaging myself by refusing to play happy family with his wife.”
Her dad still helps her if she really needs cash and has even paid her rent in the past, but she’s not about to go to his home and pretend she’s fine with D.
“I’m not asking him to divorce her or cut her off. I just don’t want my relationship with my dad, or my housing/safety, to be conditional on me befriending the woman who was his side chick while my mom was alive and spiraling,” she concluded.
She’s an adult, so she doesn’t have to be friends with anyone she doesn’t want to. She’s doing her best by being polite, and it’s sad her dad doesn’t understand that.
And honestly speaking, I am not sure D was entirely to blame for her mom and dad’s marriage imploding, as it seems there was a lot going on and their relationship was pretty toxic.
I think she should try to sit down and have a candid conversation with her dad and see if that helps.
What advice do you have for her?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
