If the person you were engaged to decided to go out on a date with someone of the opposite gender and didn’t tell you about it or apologize after you found out, how would you feel?
This 36-year-old man and his 35-year-old fiancée, Amy, recently became friends with a 38-year-old man named Ben. They have all hung out together a couple of times and actually have a group chat, too.
A week ago was Amy’s birthday, so they celebrated with a couple of friends, and Ben was there. Following the party, Amy texted all of her friends to say thank you for her gifts, and she kicked off a conversation with Ben that he was not included in.
Then, Amy texted Ben to chat about movies, trips, and things like that. This week, he’s out of town in another country, and yesterday, he could not get a hold of Amy until 12:30 in the morning.
“At that time, she reached out and told me that she was out to the movies and then to the restaurant with Ben, and that she didn’t reach out sooner because she had been busy,” he explained.
“I wasn’t aware that they had this outing (date?) planned. This was the first time they [went] out without me. I was quite upset for different reasons: 1. I guess I find movies and restaurants a little inappropriate for a first outing. 2. Neither Amy nor Ben informed me of this, or that they took the conversation out of the group chat to a bilateral chat.”
“3. They chose to plan this a week when I was abroad. 4. I didn’t get one text until 00:30 am. I talked with Amy. The discussion wasn’t easy. I felt she was dismissive of what I felt (‘there is nothing behind it, I just didn’t think to inform you, we just talked in the bilateral chat naturally’).”
Thirty minutes into the conversation, Amy forced out an apology before telling Ben in their private messages that she was moving them back to the group chat.
He asked Amy to be more considerate of his feelings, and she just pushed back instead of accepting that she hurt him or trying to understand what would make him feel better in the future, considering boundaries with friends of the opposite gender.
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So, today he called Ben up, and Ben instantly said sorry to him and said he didn’t have any bad intentions behind spending time with Amy alone.
He does believe Ben is not nefarious, but he wishes he had been in the loop about Ben and Amy going out together. Over the weekend, Amy is supposed to join him on his trip, but he’s not sure how to feel or act regarding her.
“On one hand, I love Amy deeply. On the other, this has eroded my trust in her. And it magnified other patterns that didn’t really register before (don’t know much about her past relationships or even if she [is] in contact/sees her exes, she is very private with her phone and always hides the screen when I’m near, etc.),” he continued.
“And the general dismissiveness that I felt doesn’t really sit right with me. Could you help me analyze the situation and how I should react when she lands tonight?”
While I don’t think you have to get permission from your partner to have a friend, what Amy did is not normal. She developed a bond with Ben, started a private chat with Ben, literally went out on a date with Ben, was secretive about it, was unavailable all night on her phone, and then tried to blame him for being upset.
Amy and Ben are adults, so I also do not buy that Ben didn’t have bad intentions. They both know how this looks, and it doesn’t look good.
The lack of transparency, coupled with Amy being a jerk about how hurt he was, does not bode well for this relationship. I also don’t like that she’s not forthcoming about her exes and hides her phone when he’s around. Amy is not the one for him.
What advice do you have for him?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
