Making Friends As An Adult Can Be Terrifying: Let’s Talk About How And Why You Should Do It

Yakobchuk Olena - stock.adobe.com - illustrative purposes only, not the actual people
Yakobchuk Olena - stock.adobe.com - illustrative purposes only, not the actual people

For the first eighteen years of our lives, we are consistently thrust into social situations. Most people first experience these gatherings as young children, getting together with extended family members or family friends.

Then, come the age of five or six: we enter elementary school. And the possibilities to socialize are endless.

Not only are you surrounded by people your age every day for hours on end, but there are countless opportunities to engage in other organized activities– such as clubs, sports, and even after-care programs.

This continues all throughout middle school, high school, and arguably during college, too– when we are, yet again, grouped in with people our age who have similar mindsets.

But, what happens after we graduate, enter the “real world,” and start working? Overwhelmingly, the largest “culture shock” young adults experience during the beginning of their careers is the loss of friends.

While this may sound super dramatic, though, this loss is much more subtle and gradual. First of all, following college, all of the people you spent two to four years of your life with will return to their hometowns or cities. You will, too.

Then, over time, the people in your hometown who you used to attend high school, play sports, or simply go out with will start to dwindle, also– taking jobs in other cities, meeting romantic partners, and moving away.

So, you may wake up at twenty-five, thirty, or even forty years old and realize that you don’t really have any “friends” anymore.

Sure, you might stay connected with people on Facebook or send childhood friends a Christmas card each holiday season. But do you have anyone you can really relate to, talk to and hang out with regularly?

Yakobchuk Olena – stock.adobe.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual people

For many adults at all stages of their careers and lives, the answer is no. And this fact can be extremely overwhelming and depressing.

With all of the somewhat forced social situations during our childhood and adolescence, it probably felt much easier to meet people and bond.

As we grow our own homes, families, and entire lives, though, it becomes super easy to feel isolated. On the flip side, stepping outside of this new “comfort zone” can also be extremely daunting.

But, just as friendship is encouraged when we are kids, it is also crucial for adults to have strong friendships, too. These relationships combat loneliness, offer companionship, and increase your sense of belonging, self-worth, and confidence.

Plus, having a great friend who you can kick back and relax with is just plain fun. And don’t we all deserve a bit of innocent enjoyment nowadays?

Figuring out how to actually make these friends is the hard part. Thankfully, though, there are a few foolproof ways for you to start connecting with others– whether that be out and about or even from the comfort of your own home. The only requirement for making friends is that you have to be willing to try.

How To Make Friends As An Adult

Before we dive into the various ways to meet new people, let’s just make one thing clear: you are not alone in this journey. Oftentimes, people can feel embarrassed or ashamed by their lack of friendships. These same feelings can even prevent them from trying to make new friends at all.

So, recognize that you are just one of the millions of adults who are looking for the same companionship as you are. And accepting this fact will make the process a bit easier to start.

Now, let’s get into the nitty-gritty. The first step to making friends as an adult requires some self-reflection. Have you ever been in a friendship that happened because of chance and not actual compatibility? I am talking about those mutual friends who you never really had anything in common with or the coworkers who just so happened to reside in the cubicle next to yours.

I propose we call these people acquaintances. Here’s why. When you are thrust into a social situation, it is only human to try to converse and relate to the people you are surrounded by. After that particular environment changes, though– for instance, you go home– you might not have anything else to talk about that is unrelated to the social situation. These “social situations” might include your weekend bar trips or your daily stints at the office.

So, if you want to be intentional about making friends, you have to understand who you are. Daunting, I know. But what you put out there– who you portray yourself as– will ultimately dictate what kinds of friends you attract.

For example, let’s say you are a total art lover and love participating in amateur photography. If you try to ditch that interest and socialize with fitness fanatics, you may not walk away feeling totally satisfied.

This is not to say that people with differing interests cannot get along or even become great friends. But, in the beginning, making new friends is easiest when you understand your own interests and look for compatibility with yourself in others.

So, once you understand your own M.O., per se, you can start looking into ways to socialize. Let’s take the art lover, for example, again.

That person may want to look into art classes in their town, exhibits at their local museum, or even Facebook groups that are dedicated to amateur artists.

Likewise, fitness fanatics can join a new gym, attend a weekly workout class, or join a hiking group; meanwhile, foodies can visit tastings, cooking classes, and new restaurants.

The point is that by doing whatever you are interested in, you will undoubtedly be surrounded by at least a few people who reciprocate your interests. Then, this will make breaking the ice a whole lot easier, and a potential friendship can flourish.

Sometimes, though, getting out into your local community is not always easy. You may work long hours, have children at home, or even suffer from some social anxiety. Trust me: I get it.

So, there are also numerous ways to start connecting with new people online from the comfort of your own home.

First of all, social media groups on apps like Facebook and Reddit are great ways to dip your toe into different communities and see if anyone sticks out to you. You can even break the ice by making a post and asking a question, encouraging conversation, and getting some rapport flowing.

Second, did you know that there are actually entire apps for finding friends? That’s right– forget Tinder or Hinge because Bumble BFF is about to become your BFF.

Much like dating apps, users on Bumble BFF can create profiles intended to attract people with like-minded interests and values.

And before you scoff at this: I know that the entire process might seem a bit too much like submitting a resumé. It might even just be scary to put yourself out there while knowing that other people in your community can see your profile.

But you have to remember two things. First, if anyone sees your profile, that means they are already on the app and looking for friends too. So there is no shame!

Second, this “resumé” of sorts can be a total time-saver. If you are a busy adult, you probably don’t want to waste time grabbing coffee or having dinner with someone who you know nothing about and who might not really work out in the long “friendship” run.

So, by being accurate on your own profile– and taking the time to read other people’s– you have a much higher chance of connecting with someone to who you can really relate.

Plus, breaking the ice online is ten times easier than in person, and once you get those conversations flowing, you can easily go into an in-person hangout with loads to talk about.

What To Remember When Trying To Make Friends

Now that we have covered a few different ways to find friends, we should also go over some crucial details to remember when navigating your friendship search.

Primarily, try not to be too picky. Yes, with all of the options we just covered, this might sound inevitable.

But, even on your Facebook interest group or on Bumble BFF, you can reach out to people who do not meet all of your criteria.

For instance, don’t discount someone if they are a slightly different age, if they have children, or are in a different line of work.

Basically, we should not be searching for exact clones of ourselves because, one, that will never happen, and two, wouldn’t the friendship be boring anyway? Instead, try to keep an open mind and identify potential friends based on just a few characteristics. Then, allow yourself to be surprised by people.

At the same time, this friend search may sometimes feel like a numbers game. But, if you think about it that way, you can really burn yourself out.

In my opinion, one quality friendship outweighs maintaining countless surface-level ones. So, try to remember that the quality of friends you have is more important than the quantity. This will lead to more feelings of fulfillment and prevent you from essentially “dating” a million different people at once in search of many friends.

Finally, realize that letting go of friendships is okay, too. If you happen to make a great connection with someone– but the relationship starts to fizzle out– you don’t always have to revive it. As we grow older, it is important to realize that not all friendships are life-long. Instead, they ebb and flow just like us as people.

So, accept that change in friendships is completely normal, and try not to resist it. The more you do this, the less of a headache you will be putting yourself through trying to hold onto something that no longer brings you companionship, relatability, or joy.

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Katharina Buczek graduated from Stony Brook University with a degree in Journalism and a minor in Digital Arts. Specializing ... More about Katharina Buczek

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