Her Husband Cried As He Gave Her An Ultimatum: Open Up Their Marriage So He Can Sleep With Other Women, Or They Can Get Divorced
For the last 9 years, this 33-year-old woman and her 38-year-old husband have been together. After getting married six years ago, they went on to have two sons, who are three and four.
She would characterize the relationship she has with her husband as caring and patient, although, of course, they experience ups and downs as any couple does.
She and her husband share the same views on raising their sons, and her family loves her husband so much.
“A little bit about our marriage: I stopped working when I became pregnant with our first son and never went back to work because we haven’t needed it,” she explained.
“My husband makes 400k working from home with a very flexible schedule. I tend to do more of the childcare since I don’t work, but honestly, not that much more.”
“He loves spending time with our children, has a rather intense personality when it comes to organization (so he’s very pro cleaning), and one of his greatest passions [along with our physical relationship] is cooking, so he plans and cooks more than half of our meals.”
Prior to her getting pregnant, their life in the bedroom was on fire. They both were fully aware that becoming parents would change this, but they never figured it would be a big issue for them.
Post-pregnancy, her husband was sympathetic to her not really ever being in the mood, and he gave her plenty of space.
She figured her husband was happy with them sporadically making time for just the two of them and that his needs were being met on some level.
Photo 76284423 © Vadymvdrobot – Dreamstime.com – illustrative purposes only, not the actual people
Throughout the last 18 months, she has been turning down his advances, and he has been inquiring as to what he can do to help her get back to how they used to be.
While her husband tried to broach this sensitive topic in a kind manner, she didn’t take it well at all and was deeply upset.
They then went through their first major fight before saying sorry and making up. Yet, several weeks after this went down, he tried to discuss this subject with her once again.
Next, they attempted therapy together, and they ended up seeing several different therapists, who all concluded that her husband had expectations that just were not realistic.
“In those sessions, my husband’s response was that he isn’t ready to compromise on something that’s so important to him,” she said.
“He was asked if it’s more important to him than having a healthy marriage, and while he said no, in hindsight there was some definite hesitancy.”
“Over the following months, I noticed a decrease in emotional affection on his end. It’s hard to put a finger on, and for a while, I told myself it was just in my head. He’s still attentive, caring, and affectionate, but there is just a lack of depth in the [closeness] compared to the past 7-8 years.”
Her husband hasn’t been initiating the way he used to, and she thought that meant he was trying to compromise with her, but when she did try to speak to him about this, he said he was upset with being rejected so much, and that was why he backed off.
It hurt her to hear this, and she said she wasn’t trying to necessarily reject him. The conversation hasn’t come up for months since that, and she figured everything was fine.
However, last night, her husband shocked her when he walked into the bedroom after tucking their kids into bed, and insisted they had to talk.
She instantly knew whatever he had to say had to do with their personal life, but that didn’t prepare her for what came out of his mouth.
“Through tears (this is the first time I’ve ever seen him cry from sadness), he said that he wasn’t built to be in a relationship that didn’t regularly express love through [physical closeness],” she continued.
“He said that he would always love me and that I’d always be the mother of his children, but he can’t and won’t go on like this. He told me that he believes there are only two options. Either we divorce and continue to co-parent, or we open up the marriage, and he finds someone else to [sleep] with multiple times a week.”
“Transparently, the first half of the ensuing conversation is a bit of a blur because of how emotional it was. I went from being devastated, bordering pathetic, to furious with more rage than I’ve ever felt in my life. I said some things I regret and didn’t mean. He stayed relatively calm throughout it, but he did say that he wouldn’t have a conversation with me if I kept yelling.”
When she was able to calm herself down, she pleaded with her husband to consider another option: rekindling their life in the bedroom.
She also tried to initiate in the moment, which she admits is humiliating now. Her husband rejected her and stated that he was open to them getting back on track, but that can’t mean initiating when she doesn’t feel up to it, and he has needs that need to be fulfilled somewhere else for the here and now.
She informed her husband that she has no interest in an open marriage before resorting to begging with him more to try to come to another agreement.
Her husband replied that he needed to get some space from her, so he went to his friend’s house for the evening.
She ended up texting her husband this morning to say she’s taking their kids and spending a few days with her parents as she attempts to process all of this.
“I don’t want to lose this marriage, but the thought of him sleeping with other people hurts so…much,” she added.
“I don’t know what I’m looking for or if there’s any advice to be had. I feel like my world is collapsing, and it’s my fault.”
“My parents know something is wrong because of how distressed I am, and even worse, both of our sons can tell.”
“I’ve tried to hide it, but I’m a mess. My husband says if we stayed together and he felt rejected regularly, he’ll end up resenting me and that it’s better for our children to have separate parents than resentful ones…. Should I open up the marriage or move forward with divorce?”
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