His Unemployed Wife Uses Her Bipolar Disorder As An Excuse For Him To Do Everything For Her, And He’s Exhausted
Fifteen years ago, this 39-year-old man’s 40-year-old wife was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This year, he and his wife will be celebrating their 10-year anniversary, and he was aware of his wife’s diagnosis when he began dating her.
However, he never pictured that his wife’s bipolar disorder would end up holding him captive in his own life. His wife’s diagnosis doesn’t make her nasty or vicious. It just makes her empty.
“She’s just…hollow. A black hole of effort and empathy. Everything around her collapses into her helplessness — slowly, invisibly — and somehow I’m always the one stuck holding the pieces. And the blame,” he explained.
“She wakes up around noon. Stays in pajamas till 4 pm. Scrolls Instagram for hours. Watches fantasy anime where every female lead is a “broken princess” waiting for a mysterious man to understand her. Writes exactly nothing despite claiming she’s a “poet” and “intellectual.”
“The only things she finishes are fanfics and wine. She hasn’t held a job for more than a year in her adult life. Not because she can’t — but because she doesn’t want to be seen failing. So she just doesn’t try.”
His wife says that nobody appreciates her and her brilliance, yet she invests all of her time crafting stories on social media that are subtly hostile.
His wife insists that she no longer works because she needs to prioritize her healing, but all she does is lie on the couch, doomscrolling while complaining about society.
She especially loves putting other women down, even ones she considers to be her friends, for having privilege or being tradwives.
His wife criticizes him for every single thing he does, but she never pitches in to help. If he reveals that he’s stressed at work, she dismisses him. When he’s sick, she acts like he’s fine. She has no sympathy for him.
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She doesn’t act like an adult and dumps all responsibilities on him.
“I manage her meds, bills, [and] appointments. I feed the cat and the dog. I track the groceries. I do the laundry. I schedule her therapy. I’m her nurse, her secretary, her emotional punching bag. And in return, I get disdain and silence,” he added.
Despite holding all of these roles for his wife, she spins it all like he’s terrible. He’s not allowed to talk about his exhaustion, or his wife uses her bipolar disorder to get out of listening to him.
It’s not his wife’s mental illness that’s the issue. It’s the fact that his wife has made herself a life that prohibits her from needing to grow, and she thinks he should show her gratitude for that.
He frequently daydreams about quitting. About no longer doing a single thing for his wife. What would happen if he stopped making their grocery lists or refilling her medications?
He suspects that his wife would spiral and then make it his fault. He loves his wife, but he’s left feeling like they’re not in a marriage, and they don’t even have so much as a partnership.
“It’s a permanent sympathy audition, and I’m the only one buying tickets,” he continued. “I’m tired. I want a life. A real one. With a woman who [cares].”
“But I can already hear the narrative forming — “He abandoned someone with a mental illness.” No one wants to talk about what it’s like to live with someone who’s just functional enough to trap you, but emotionally absent enough to drain your soul by degrees.”
“I don’t know what I’m asking. Maybe just permission to believe that I’m not the villain for wanting out.”
What advice do you have for him?
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