Trying for a baby has the potential to quickly spiral into a pressure cooker. What starts as something hopeful can grow into a calendar of disappointment: scheduled, timed, and full of invisible expectations.
His wife miscarried recently, and their dream of becoming parents has been replaced by grief, blame, and exhaustion. He’s trying his best to stay patient and supportive, but every failed attempt feels like another reason for her to resent him.
Two years ago, this 26-year-old man and his wife, who is the same age as him, tied the knot. They have been attempting to start a family for a long time, without much success.
“A few months ago, she got pregnant for the first time, but unfortunately, she miscarried at around 4 weeks. It was extremely devastating for both of us. Since then, she hasn’t been the same anymore,” he explained.
“I genuinely understand the pain and how much this meant to her. But after that miscarriage, she constantly blames me for not giving my best when she is ovulating.”
“I work around 55-60 hours per week, so there are days I’m just physically and mentally drained. She keeps comparing us to her friends or things she sees online about people getting pregnant quickly. She tells me other husbands put in a lot more effort, and that I only care about work.”
His wife has also brought up ending her life since she no longer feels like he cares about getting pregnant, and she thinks she’s doing all the work on her own.
When his wife blurts this stuff out, he has no clue how to reply in an appropriate or helpful way. He’s feeling sad as well about the fact that they have not yet become parents, and he’s exhausted from trying; he truly is.
On top of his hectic work schedule, he’s been finding time to go to the gym and quit smoking in an effort to improve their chances of having a baby.
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“We both even went for couples’ fertility checks, and everything came back healthy and normal. There is nothing medically wrong with either of us,” he added.
“Recently, out of frustration, I told her that trying every day won’t guarantee pregnancy, that this isn’t a race, and we shouldn’t force it like a performance test. Now she thinks I’m insensitive, uncaring, and just not putting in any effort.”
He’s not trying to be mean to his wife; he just wants her to see that having a baby is a time-consuming process, and they are both doing their absolute best given the situation.
He’s left wondering how he can make his wife understand that they should not be anxious about trying, nor should they compare their pregnancy journey to anyone else’s.
Infertility is not the only thing he’s dealing with; I think fear and grief have been thrown in the mix, but it’s disguised as frustration in regards to his wife’s reaction.
She did have a baby, but the universe took that from her, and it seems she’s taking her anger out on him for losing out on that dream.
It sounds like she could even be depressed, and if he gets his wife to open up to her doctor or a therapist, that seems like it will help the most.
What advice do you have for him?
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By Bre Avery Zacharski
Hi, I'm Bre, Chip Chick's CEO! I have a degree in Textile/Surface Design from The Fashion Institute of Technology, and... More about Bre Avery Zacharski
